Baxter Family

Here's The Story, Of a Lovely Lady ...

2010-01-30T03:42:00.004+01:00

This may come as a complete shock to some of you, but I am engaged to be married. Actually, it is quite a shock to me as well. I never expected or intended to even think about remarrying so soon after Holly's death, but events came together in such a way that I can't help but believe that it was not by accident. Let me explain:

While we were living in Vienna, I got a call in the middle of the night telling me that a woman (Ann) who was traveling from Utah had just lost her husband to a heart attack. Since I worked for the American Embassy, and was a member of the same church, they thought I might be able to help. There wasn't an awful lot I could do to help, but Holly went into high gear and, along with other women from our church, pitched in to help Ann in any way she could. Ann and Holly became friends and stayed in touch, exchanging Christmas cards and an occasional e-mail. When Ann learned of Holly's death, she decided to attend Holly's grave-side service in Salt Lake. Ann and I met there, and, since she and I had a common bond in that we had both lost a spouse that we loved so deeply, we kept in touch. I was hoping that she could help me navigate the rough waters that lay before me. Before long, we realized that there was much more pulling us together. We realized that we made each other very happy, and that we had a lot to offer each other.

I think what initially attracted us to each other was the fact that we both fully understood the love that we each had for the one we had lost. I could never marry a woman who didn't appreciate what a wonderful woman Holly was, and appreciate the eternal love I will always have for her. Ann felt very much the same about her beloved Scott. We realized that we could love each other fully, without threatening the love we have for those we had lost. We could love each other 100%, and still love the ones we had lost 100%

If you have read some of Holly's earlier posts, you will remember that she was very upset at the prospect of me ever remarrying. She couldn't bear the thought of another woman "replacing" her, and taking over the wonderful life that was hers. I am fully confident that she has an entirely different perspective now. Free from the anxieties, jealousies, and blinders of mortality, she now sees the bigger picture, and wants what is best for her family. She always wanted what was best for her family, but I don't think she could see how she was going to fit into that plan after she passed away. I believe she now understands much better than we can what the most important things in life really are, and what her eternal role continues to be. In fact, I am convinced that Holly is somehow behind this whole thing. She doesn't want her children to grow up with a single father struggling to keep the family afloat, and she doesn't want me to live the rest of my life in loneliness and pain. Of these things I am certain.

Ann has four children of her own, two girls and two boys, ranging in age from 27 to 19. If we add the four children I have right now, plus the four from my first marriage, plus two step-sons from Ann, that makes a grand total of 14 children! What a complicated life this has become! Complicated, but wonderful.

Our plan is to marry in the Mount Timpanogos Temple in Utah on 25 June, then Ann will move out here to Virginia. We'll probably stay in Virginia for a couple of years, at which time I will be eligible to retire. Our hope is to end up back in Utah, where we can be close to family again.

I felt like the luckiest man alive when I married Holly. I never dreamed I could be so blessed that I could find yet another wonderful woman to inspire me, and with whom I could share my life. Once again, I have living proof that God lives, and that He truly does love us!

John Keith Baxter

2009-12-20T21:37:00.009+01:00

My father, Keith Baxter, passed away on December 11th at home in Salt Lake City. He had been quite ill for several months. He had gone blind a couple of years ago, and he had lost most of his hearing recently as well. His quality of life had been pretty poor. Our sadness at losing such a kind, loving, Christlike man is tempered by the knowledge that he is now free of all of these infirmities and he is now in a glorious place with his parents and other loved ones. He was married to my mother for 56 years and they were inseparable. She will really need our prayers to help her through the years ahead without her dear companion and best friend.

I was able to go out to Salt Lake for the funeral. It was a very nice service, followed by a short service at the cemetery. My heart goes out to the wonderful bagpiper who braved the biting cold to play at the graveside.

2009 has been a tough year. We look forward to the healing sure to come in the times ahead.

2009-10-22T16:45:00.003+02:00

This is Robert again. Alexander has been very busy lately, so I'm going to do the update again.

Things have been running relatively smoothly for us. Now that school has started, we have gotten into our routines, which has helped to bring the stress level down a lot. It's nice to have some idea what will be going on from one day to the next.

Alexander and Daniel are both going to public school now, Alexander is a sophomore and Daniel is in the 7th grade. It has definitely been a change of pace from homeschooling, but they are both doing very well in school, and they are enjoying the increased social life. They have had to shoulder so much over the past two years, it is time that they get a chance to be regular teenagers and do regular teenager stuff. I am amazed at how well they are coping with losing their mother. It is a testament to her that she has raised such strong and well adjusted children.

Rosie is going to daycare every day with a woman from our church. I was so glad to find someone I know and respect who can watch her all day. She also gets to participate in a little preschool co-op two days a week that was set up by a few of the mothers from church. It's nice to know that she is being taken care of by someone who shares our values and who knows and loves Rosie.

I took Rosie to her first speech therapy class this week. I had her tongue clipped a few weeks ago (man, that sounds so awful!), so we're hoping that with the therapy she will begin to improve her speech. I often have to get the boys to translate for me when she talks. She gets so frustrated when she's trying to say something to me, and I just can't understand her. She has a pretty decent vocabulary, if only she could get the sounds to come out right.

From time to time I go through some "aftershocks". Sometimes the reality of Holly's passing comes barreling down on me when I least expect it. I still find myself wanting to talk to her or call her on the phone whenever I have an idea or when I hear some interesting news. I still want to share my life with her, and it is really tough not being able to. I never thought I would be this emotional, but I am glad that I am. I don't want to be numb. I want to feel her and I want to miss her.

We're so grateful to our friends and family who have been so supportive and loving. I don't know how we would have weathered these last few months without them. The Lord truly does send his angels when we need them.

Home Again

2009-08-09T03:30:00.002+02:00

This is Robert. We're back home after spending two weeks in Utah with family and friends. We sorely needed the time to step back a bit and not have to worry about the daily grind for a while.

Holly's funeral was on July 20th in Manassas, VA. It was so beautiful. Her cousin Jamie gave a eulogy, then Donna Andrew spoke about her experiences with Holly when they were in Vienna. She was followed by Elaine Salisbury, who had gotten to know Holly very well here in Virginia. Bishop Lyman gave some closing remarks about The Savior and the hope that comes from the knowledge of His resurrection. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to all the wonderful things being said about Holly. I felt the spirit of God so strongly, I felt like my chest was burning inside. I'm sure that Holly was very pleased by the service.

The graveside service in Salt Lake was also beautiful. My brother Richard spoke about Holly and about the hope of the resurrection. The burial plot is located above the Salt Lake Valley, and has a beautiful view of the valley below. The headstone will have mountains on the top (for me) and trees on both sides (to remember Holly's California) and the Mt. Timpanogas Temple in the middle, where we were sealed for eternity.

Now comes the time where we attempt to settle back into some kind of a routine. I will start work again on Monday, and will begin in earnest to live the life of a single father. I don't look forward to some of the challenges I will face, but I have no doubt that the Lord will prop me up and show me the way. Most of the time, those blessings come in the form of good friends and family. We have been blessed more than we could ever have imagined with the love of so many around us -- angels sent to guide us and ease us through these tough times. I am so grateful for them, people who will literally do anything to help us. I suppose it is at times like these that we discover just how much our Father in Heaven really does love us.

Baxter Family 07/26/09

2009-07-26T16:19:00.007+02:00

Hello all. This Alexander. I plan on continuing this blog in my mother's absence. I may not make weekly updates, but I'll do my best to keep everyone updated with what is going in our family.

~The Baxters are currently in Utah, on vacation. We will be here until August 5th, 2009, and we are enjoying our stay and visiting with family. Yesterday (07/25) we went swimming in the Great Salt Lake, and Thursday (07/23) we attended the Occur Mountain Temple open house.

~Brother Baxter's 9th anniversary of being sealed to Sister Baxter in the Mt. Timpanogas Temple just passed on Thursday (07/23).

~Rosie only wears diapers at night now; she has decided that she is now a big girl, and is opting to wear underwear during the day. So far, not a single accident.

~Alexander and Daniel are working hard to finish school in time. We have until the end of August. Next (school) year, Daniel will be in seventh (7th) grade, and Alexander will be in tenth (10th) grade.

~Alexander is looking forward to his birthday on August 12th. He will be fifteen (15) years old.

~Alexander recently attended the Pokemon National Championships 09, and placed in the Top 8 out of more than 250 players in his age division (born in 94-97)! He is very excited, and in addition to a $750 scholership, has even won an invitation to the Pokemon World Championships 09. It has been his dream for more than five years to play at the World Championships; his dream will finally come true.

I realize that this blog may now have a lot more information about me, Alexander, than it did before just because I am maintaining this blog. However, I'm doing my best to include the rest of the family in this blog. Nobody is perfect. Also, my mom was a grammar and spelling fanatic, and took English as her major in college. Keep in mind that the writing capabilities of a Sophomore pale in contrast to my mom's elegance with words. So if you notice any incorrect grammar or spelling (which, in comparison to my mom's posts, you probably will), please, do forgive me.

Until next time,
Alexander

Funeral Arrangements

2009-07-17T04:48:00.003+02:00

The funeral arrangements have been made:

Viewing
Sunday, 19 July at 7:00
Pierce Funeral Home, 9609 Center St., Manassas, VA

Funeral
Monday, 20 July at 2:00 (viewing at 1:00)
Bristow Ward meetinghouse, 5750 Websters Way, Manassas, VA

Graveside Service
Wednesday, 22 July at 11:00 at the Salt Lake Cemetery
I don't know the exact location of the grave, but it is just below 11th Avenue, on the East side of the military graves.

I realize that many of you will be unable to attend these services, but I am grateful for your thoughts and prayers and for your wonderful comments about Holly. Thank you for sharing your precious memories.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me directly at robaxman@hotmail.com

Robert

Holly Baxter 21 December 1964 - 15 July 2009

2009-07-16T06:08:00.003+02:00

Holly passed away this evening at 7:30 at home. I've known this was coming for quite some time, but there really is no way to prepare for it. I've lost the love of my life, and our children have lost their wonderful mother. I draw strength and comfort from the knowledge that we have been sealed in the Temple for all eternity. I also find comfort in knowing that she is free from her pain, and that she is in a glorious place free from sorrow. We will have to rely heavily on our faith to be able to get through the rest of our lives without her.

We haven't finalized the funeral plans at this point, but we're anticipating that the funeral will be on Monday, 20 July. We will then fly her out to Salt Lake City for burial. We will conduct a graveside service there. I will update this blog with details when we have them.

Holly's Condition

2009-07-15T21:12:00.003+02:00

Holly's condition continues to worsen. She sleeps most of the time, and when she is awake she is not very responsive. She isn't able to communicate much, and when she speaks it usually doesn't make much sense. It looks like her time is very short.

Every time I experience something, or think of an idea, or see something interesting, my first thought is, "I can't wait to share this with Holly!" Then I remember that I can't. It is so painful to see the love of my life and my best friend dwindling away day after day. It's hard to accept that I can't share my life with her any more. I know that soon she will be free of her pain and that she will rejoice in the next step of her eternal progression, and that brings me great comfort, but it still doesn't take away the pain and emptiness of knowing that I will not see her again for a very long time.

They say that misery loves company, so maybe it's a good thing that there are so many people out there who are sharing this loss. I hear almost every day of someone who has been touched by Holly's influence for good. She has had such an impact on so many people. I only wish they all could have known her as well as I do.

I found this picture from some old pictures we took while we were living in Vienna. Holly was the president of the Primary, which is something like the children's Sunday school program. She was in charge of about 30 kids from ages 3 to 12. She took after that job with full gusto. I spent countless Saturday evenings cutting out or laminating pictures with her until 2:00 a.m. so she could give the children a quality learning experience. She had a dramatic impact on all of these children, and on many of their parents as well. This time period was the happiest I've seen Holly, which is why I love this picture. It reminds me of what Holly is really about: Christlike service to others.

Holly

2009-07-11T04:03:00.002+02:00

This is Robert, writing for Holly again. I'm sad to say that Holly's health has seriously declined in the last several weeks. Her liver has not been functioning well, and has been producing a lot of "sludge" that fills her abdomen. Her lungs have also been filling with fluid. She has a difficult time breathing and she can only get out of bed for very short periods, if at all. She is now under hospice care, since her doctors have told us that there is nothing more they can do for her. They tell us that she has only a couple weeks left, at best.

This is not what we wanted to have happen, but we have known for some time that this was coming. We have never given up praying for a miracle, but we know that God's ways are not always our ways. We have been preparing ourselves (as best as we can) and we have slowly come to terms with it. We don't know all of our Father in Heaven's plan for us, but we know that his will is always best in the end, and he must have something very important for Holly to do on the other side if he is willing to take her away from us so soon. I feel I am getting just a tiny taste of what our Savior felt when he asked, "... O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."

Throughout all this, we have been blessed by so many good friends and family. My son Scott got married on 19 June, so we were able to have a lot of family come to visit us. It was so wonderful to get to go with Scott and his new bride, Brooke, into the Washington DC temple to see them be sealed for time and all eternity. What a blessing to see two pure, humble people starting their new life together.

Holly's cousin, Jamie, decided to come and stay with us for as long as needed to help Holly and the rest of us. I don't know what I would have done without her. She has truly been a gift from God (even when I argue with her). She has experience with home health care, so she has been able to help Holly in ways I would never be able to. Holly's dad and stepmother have also come to help, as well as Holly's nana. Of course, Holly's mother has been here all along to help her out. Whenever Holly needs help or is afraid, the first person she wants to talk to is her mother. The members of our church have been amazing too. They have been bringing meals and taking Rosie on outings. They will do literally anything we need, and they have proved that over and over. I hope that I can return the favor in some small way in the future.

Holly is resting comfortably right now. I am taking off from work for as long as I need to so that I can be with her and help her in any way I can. Thank you all for your prayers.

Disneyworld

2009-07-11T02:48:00.015+02:00

This is Robert, writing for Holly. She has been wanting to update the blog for quite some time, but she hasn't been feeling well enough to stay at the computer for any length of time.

The trip to Disneyworld was fantastic! It was truly a fantasy trip. We are so grateful for all the people who made real sacrifices to make it possible. The youth at our church put together a car wash to raise money. Our dear friend, Donna, did a 5K run with her family to raise money as well. We also had friends from church making donations to make this come true. Of course, the Dream Foundation put the whole thing together. We got to stay at the Nickelodion Hotel, and then at a wonderful Marriott property. We got three days at the Disney parks, a day at Sea World, and two days at Universal Studios. The donations made it so we could fully enjoy all these attractions without having to sweat about money (and it does burn up fast!)

Probably the highlight of the trip was when we got to get in the water with the baluga whales. Holly has always wanted to do that, and this was a wish come true for her.

Holly and Jym Antony took us under their wings and set up some amazing stuff for us. We got to get up close and personal with the animals at the Disney Animal Kingdom restaurant. We ate our delicious dinner right by the window and watched zebras and giraffes wander by. It really reminded us of Kenya, where we met and got married 8 years ago. They also set up a personal meeting with all the princes and princesses at the Disney castle. Rosie went to the Bippity Boppity Boutique and got all dressed up as Tinkerbell, then she got to go and meet all the Disney royalty. I think she was a bit overwhelmed.

This trip was so important to us because we really wanted to make sure that the kids have good, positive memories to carry with them in the coming years, especially Rosie. The last couple of years have been focused so much on going back and forth to hospitals that we really haven't been able to do much else. The boys have had to carry a huge load around the house, doing a long list of chores every day in addition to their school work. Rosie has had very few chances to do anything fun or memorable with Mommy. This trip really did the trick. We did it just in the nick of time, too, because if we had waited only a couple weeks longer, Holly probably wouldn't have been able to travel.

We were especially thrilled that Max was able to go with us. Everything went very well with him. We can see that he has made tremendous improvement since we moved him to the new group home (Turning Point for Boys). The director, Mr. Butler, really knows his stuff, and he has had fantastic results with boys like Max. We see a light in Max's eyes now that we haven't seen in a very long time.

Our thanks to everyone who made it possible for us to live a dream for a few days that will carry us long into the future.

Robert, Part I

2009-04-21T23:27:00.008+02:00

Why oh why do I wait so long to update. Then, by the time I do, everybody already knows everything that is going on or the entry is so long that no one has enough time to read it. Maybe I'll do it in pieces today.

Since we came home from our big West trip and school started, we have been very busy. Most nights Robert and I fall into bed around mid-night, completely exhausted and wondering from where we'll pull our energy for the things that need to be done the next day. I don't know how he does it. He has to get up at 5:30 to take Alexander to Seminary (Scripture Study M-F, 6am-7am), he comes home gets himself ready, picks Alexander up and then goes to work, drives over an hour in rush hour traffic, and then his day begins! Poor guy! He doesn't get hime till around 6:30 pm usually and by then he just wants to plop down and do a crossword puzzle (which for some crazy reason, actually relaxes him). However, those moments of "relaxation" are rare as some child usually needs him to fix something,he has a church obligation that must be seen to, his wife needs him to do one of the million things she used to do for herself/their family, or he needs to take care of one of the million things that used to be his share of the chores, manly stuff like fixing something on the car, changing a tall lightbulb, replacing the fan belt on the vacuum cleaner, or repairing any of the plumbing, lighting, or appliances that one of our children just found too interesting during the day or forgot to assemble properly before use. Sigh. We usually have a nice dinner and then, somehow it is 10 or 11 pm, the kids are really late for bed, Rosie is running around in her diaper trying to get all of daddy's attention and he still hasn't had much of a chance to talk to his wife or do any of that relaxing he'd been thinking about all day.

Robert, as the head of the household and the money earner, spends a lot of his brainpower and nervestrength thinking about our debt. Or, should I say, Our Debt. It is a monster and try as we might to slay it, it hungers, consumes and grows larger. Okay, well, I have a lot to do with it. I am just so, so grateful that we have health insurance and that it is good insurance which pays for most of my bills, prescriptions etc. I don't want to even imagine where we'd be without it. Periodically, Robert brings home a spreadsheetk stating how much we spent the month before and how much in debt we'll be when he retires (in 3 years) if we continue to spend at that rate. Sigh. I hate for him to live worrying about this all the time, it does keep me awake too. So...if all this weren't stressful enough for this rock-solid man, it just kept coming at us.

A few weeks ago, he came with me for my doctor's appt. We were going to get the results of my latest bone and CAT Scans and I was glad that he could come with me. The doctor walked in, looked at me and said," I wish I had good news. The cancer is growing, you've got lots of new tumors, and there is growth in the bones, etc etc etc." I don't think we actually heard a lot of what she said, we were just so shocked. She told us that she had nothing else to offer me as far a chemo goes but that Georgetown or someone might have some trials/protocols running where they check new cancer drugs on people.

I got into Georgetown as quickly as I could, but even at that it took several weeks during which the evil little cancer pacmen were just cruising around in my body munching on whatever they could. I'm getting new scans on Friday to see how much damage has been done.

The goodish news is that my Doctor has come up with a treatment plan for me and I'm excited about it because when my last Doctor "released" me from her care, I kind of felt alone, well, I guess I was. But yesterday I started a new regime called "Xeloda" which is promising and they've had good results from women in my situation. So, here is my new diagnosis: 3-6 Months if I take no treatment. If I take treatment, and it works perfectly and I have no drawbacks or waiting times without treatment etc. then that would add as much as 6 months to my life. There you have it; maximum of one year. I'm trying hard not to get depressed, and have recently decided, (after a good talking to from my son Alexander who was upset with my attitude), decided that my lifespan is not up to the doctors or the medicine as much as it is between me and the Lord.

Well, that's it for now, I'm wiped out and have to hit the sack. Thank you dear loved ones for your prayers - Sometimes, I can really feel them holding me up!

Great News from our Children.....

2009-03-25T04:40:00.002+01:00

I've had a hard time typing lately. My hands get numb, tingley and shakey and I'm usually just too tired to get on here and update and I'm sorry for that. I'm not going to go on and on about myself though, other than to say that I'm doing allright, I'll have results on Friday from a Cat Scan I had done today and I hope to post more then.

My grandma and grandpa are visiting this week and I have to say that their visit has really cheered me and just having them here seems to kick in some sort of adrenilin which keeps me awake, alert and in a good mood - I'm really grateful for that because I was afraid I would be too tired to visit much with them.

I just had to get on and post our good news though.
1) Alexander won the Pokemon State Championship last week and we have all just been flying high all week on that great news. Pictures and more details to follow.

Just when we were thinking how blessed we are and how much joy our children bring us...

2)My step-son, (okay, Robert's son, but he is just like a son to me too) Scott dropped by with his girfriend Brooke on Sunday and let us know that they are engaged. We couldn't be more excited and happy for them. Scott is getting a really beautiful, smart, sweet, talented wife and Brooke is getting a wonderful, loyal, funny, smart husband. Scott is much like his father in very many ways and I can tell you that you can't ask for more in a husband.

It is going to be a summer wedding (this summer) and we are just thrilled. I'm so excited for them to go to the Temple and I'm so grateful they are getting married here in VA. Robert's daughter recently got married in UT in a place that didn't allow children so we weren't able to go to the wedding with him. I guess we still haven't got over missing her blessed day and we are so thrilled that we can both be there to see Scott married. I'll post some pictures of them whenever I can. Read on for more on our other great news.

I must say again, that I am so grateful for all of our children ( 8 in total). Each one has enriched our lives in their own unique way and they are the ones who bring us joy untold - even when it feels like there is no joy upcoming!! I'll post more about my health later, for now, please just revel in all this excitement with me.

Look at all the people....

2009-03-25T03:48:00.002+01:00

It has been a week of great news for our family. These photos are of the Pokemon State Finals in Virginia. There were hundreds of people there and if you think it is a game just played by little boys, no, no, no. There are boys, girls, teenagers of all types, moms, dads, and yes...grandmas and grandpas. You would be surprised to see how widespread the appeal of this game is, I'm not surprised and one day soon I'm going to have Alexander finally teach me how to play. I'm interested to learn but also, I just need to know how to participate in something my son loves so much!

It was such a thrill when Alexander called to say he thought he might win. For the first time ever, the tournament was held close by. We usually have to drive for hours each way to get Alexander to these games. Anyway, he was very close by --just around the corner at the local fire station and Robert jumped into the car and was there to see the big win. Alexander was in the local newspaper the next day and we have all been just as happy as can be - after years of trying hard and putting most of his allowance into cards and asking for cards for every Christmas and birthday, after pouring all his extra time into his passion, finally, he took home a big trophy as the Virginia State Champion.

All Walks of Life...

2009-03-25T03:32:00.002+01:00

I truly am a Poke-mom. Alexander has been interested in Pokemon since he was about 7 years old. He started out loving the cartoons and movies, he then added the games when he got a gameboy. As he grew older he started to play the GameCube and Wii games, but around 5 years ago he became interested in the card game. The cards are trading cards but there is also a complex card game that is played with them. As I learned more about Pokemon, I came to appreciate it more and more. We would take Alexander to games wherever we could find them. We lived in Europe at the time, but no matter. Alexander managed to find a couple of leagues that played in Germany and then he would find tournaments in different countries. The first one we went to was in Salzberg, luckily Alexander spoke a little German already and it was a very interesting event for me. Later, he found more tournaments, we even drove to Italy for one. As we got close, I asked Alexander how he expected to communicate with the people there. He just shrugged his shoulders- he wasn't worried about it at all. And so, we got to meet lots of other people, all over the continent, who shared a love with my son. Eventually, he taught Daniel how to play and Daniel too enjoyed travelling around and going to leagues and tournaments. He never developed the love and passion that Alexander has, but still, it is enough that they get to play together and enjoy a common interest. After the games are played, the players all gather together and trade cards. It is very interesting and has been quite a journey for our family.

Whom were you expecting?

2009-03-25T03:28:00.001+01:00

And you thought it was just a bunch of nerdy little kids who played Pokemon!
Did you know that there are even adults at these competitions?

Deep in Thought

2009-03-25T03:22:00.002+01:00

Alexander going for the big win.
He played for around 13 hours.
First, he had to win in the top 4 out of 8 rounds in his age division.
Then he had to win best 2 out of 3 in the top cut.
Whew, he was exhausted when he got home.

And the winner is.....

2009-03-25T03:17:00.002+01:00

Alexander Baxter, age 14
Pokemon State Champion, Senior Division
Virginia 2009

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

2008-12-26T02:25:00.002+01:00

It was another beautiful and blessed day for us. I hope that each one of you also enjoyed this Christmas day; that you were able to spend time with loved ones, exchange gifts, laugh, cry, rejoice and thank Heavenly Father for all we are given; all we have. We were fortunate to have my mom and Scott spend the night last night and be here for the big event this morning.

Today, I personally felt very close to our Savior. Most of the day I just felt so happy and joyful, watching my boys doing the funnest, bestest thing in the world --(getting all the gifts they wanted) while I held Rosie who wasn't feeling too well and didn't much want to open up presents. Two totally different aspects of my children were brought together as I watched them and could almost hear the thoughts they were thinking as either they or their sibling received each gift.

We got Rosie some baby dolls this year, she also got a little high chair and stroller for one of the babies. She is in LOVE! She hasn't shown any interest in babies up till now, she is only interested in animals, but this baby says a few phrases, "I love you mommy", "I'm thirsty" etc and Rosie is just feeding her, burping her and cuddling her. It couldn't be cuter.

The boys all got stuff they wanted and I think they were pretty happy. I love that I know each one of them so well. The big present this year went to Daniel who got a pair of turtles. I am a big turtle fan -- they are such great pets and so, so cute and I really think he has worked hard this year to show us he can handle the responsibility and I think he really needs someone who loves him unconditionally (according to him) and his turtles will do all this. I'm excited to watch their relationship grow. He has already cleaned out the acquarium and is upstairs setting it all up with Robert. Neat.

They also got a ping pong table. We had one in Vienna which the boys loved, now that we have some space in the basement we can put another table in there. I'm pretty excited about that too since it will give them all a chance to play at something they enjoy.

Alexander and Max got mostly electronic type stuff and Daniel got quite a bit of creative stuff/build it type of stuff. They all got good gifts from aunts,grandparents and greatgrandparents and it was therefore, once again, a pretty grande experience. In fact, Rosie still hasn't opened up all her presents, which is fine too. Tomorrow we'll be able to do it again!! It wasn't that she got so so many, but that she just wasn't feeling good - hope she's not getting really sick. We've all had a bit of a cold the last few weeks and it is certainly getting tiring.

I got to end up Christmas day by going to the hospital to get some antibiotic infusions. It wasn't the most pleasant way to end the day, but it could have been far worse. Robert ran me into the E.R. on Tuesday night after a week or so of me really feeling bad ended with a fever. Fever is the big no-n0 when you are on chemo so I had to be seen right away. I was admitted and had to stay over on Tueasday night, they wanted to keep me through Friday night when they had all the test results back from the cultures but I begged them to let me go on Weds. so I could be home for Christmas eve dinner and Christmas morning. They acquiessed provided I come in everyday for antibiotic infusions, so, you see, it could have been much, much worse.

That brings me round to my chemo/cancer stuff. I haven't posted about it in a while, but I feel I need to. I don't really know what to say. It has been very difficult for us (me and the medical team that works to keep my body going) to keep my blood counts up. That is to say that I have chemo followed by some shots that elevate my white and/or red blood cell counts enough so that the chemo doesn't kill me. That is okay for a few days and then my counts start to drop again. I feel bad. I feel worse. My blood counts get really low again and I need to get them propped up again either through blood transfusions or shots or whatever they can come up with. Obviously, I can't keep doing this for long. The hope is that my body is going to recover from this in a more normal way and I can start the chemo in a more normal way again. Sigh. It is scarey stuff. If I can't do the chemo, then what?

I have another problem too. I have recently been researching about canal roots and breast cancer and (if you believe some or all of what you read on the internet) it seems there is a connection and that a bio dentist should remove all root canal teeth immediately if you want to combat cancer. That would leave me with two gaping holes in my mouth/smile.

Didn't mean to get on a downer here - YIKES. I am actually quite joyous today, I have so loved just being with my children today, having my mom around and watching Robert play with all the kids (including Scott). I love my family and I love Christmas. Merry Christmas to all - I love you!

Pieces of Christmas News

2008-12-19T05:25:00.002+01:00

We've finally finished our newsletter for 2008. We hope to be mailing it out very soon - ha! Only 7 more days till Christmas. Due to my usual wordiness, I was forced to cut the newsletter in half and leave my children out! Can you imagine? Anyway, here is what would have been in our newsletter had the page been much longer!

What we really wanted to convey to everyone was that it has been a wonderful year for us and for our children. Even though there have been trials, joy seems to keep tipping the scale and we end up with smiles wiping away our tears. We are so grateful to be able to say that. It has been a tough year for all of us. In many ways, Robert and I have clung to each other as if on a life-boat in the rough waters, but each morning we awaken to our children's faces and our dogs excitedly greeting us ...and the waters dry and we are left to feel the Son --drying and energizing us once again.

We pray and pray that Holly will be given more time. Time to raise our children, to fill her husband's life with all the things she promised to do so many years ago, to watch all her children grow and serve missions to spread the Lord's Word,get married, have children themselves. To grow old (okay, older) with her husband and spend some years serving after having been served so many years.

However, after each of those prayers which we echo each night, we must always end with "thy will be done". Those must be the hardest words to say, but we mean them and we know that if the Lord's Will is done, then everything will be alright and that is the most important thing.

We have come to know and love so many during this last year. So many good, kind people - people who hardly knew us, or knew us not at all but were willing to help. We have been warmed by their love and generosity and we have been humbled by their sacrifices.

Once again, we have reflected on how blessed we are to have been of goodly parents - our parents have supported us in so many ways. We are so grateful for our family, friends, all of you.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to All!!

Here is part TWO of our newsletter:

Children’s Christmas Letter 2008

Alexander
Alexander has shown a motivation previously unknown to his family. He gets up each morning at 5:30am to go to Seminary and returns home around 7am to start school. He works hard all day at school and then works hard in the afternoon to get chores done and to take care of mom (especially at making those Reliv shakes she needs so much) and to watch Rosie whenever Mom needs a break. He set his mind to getting healthy and he has lost 30 lbs and is just looking and feeling wonderful. Both Alexander and Daniel took a very interesting class this year; a six week look into two of Shakespeare’s works; Hamlet and Othello. Alexander has begun writing music/lyrics/poetry and other than that, Alexander’s true love, Pokemon, still resides with him. He tries to go to his Saturday league whenever possible and to take part in any competitions that are within driving distance. However, mom’s illness, the family’s busy schedule, and the high gas prices put a big dent in his plans and he certainly didn’t get to go as often as he wanted. We hope in 2009 we’ll be able to cater a little more to his love of Pokemon. He is maintaining a GPA of 3.74

Max

It has been a very difficult year for Max. Since June he has been living in a Residential Treatment Facility (RTF). It was a hard decision to say the least but we finally had to accept that we couldn’t help him any more – we just don’t have the special skills necessary to deal with a child who is in as much pain as he is. Recently we have started family therapy, including Horse Therapy (which we all love) and we think we can see him advancing. He wants to come home, but just can’t stay on track long enough to make the next step sometimes. Anyway, despite some setbacks, we think he may be ready to come home in February. That is our hope. Of course, there will still be lots of counseling and we will still need lots of help (and prayers), but at least he will be here with us, his family. He has gotten huge this year, growing about 4 inches and gaining about 30 lbs! Both he and Alexander are now wearing glasses and they both look even more mature with glasses. Max got a PSP (an electronic gaming device) for his birthday and it is really helping him to fill the empty hours he has at the RTF, he has also started doing puzzles and turning to art to help him through the hard times. We are really pleased that he is finding some constructive uses for his time as that was always a problem with him – he just didn’t like doing anything and was always bored.

Daniel
This year Daniel has been busier than ever and he has become so much more mature and helpful than we could have imagined. He is just a whirlwind of activity, getting up early every morning to work at school for about 5-8 hours per day and then working like a crazy man to clean house, and see if I need anything or if he can help with anything else. He is the one person who manages to keep a smile on his face most of the day, no matter the stress level going on around him. We have managed (he, Alexander and Holly) to do scripture study most mornings together and it is in part due to Daniel’s reminders that we keep getting the important things in. He still loves Scouts and has become something of a master camper taking a camping trip around once a month and always getting rave reviews from his Scout leaders who seem to truly enjoy his company and his way of always helping out. In Scout Camp this summer he managed to get 5 badges in one week! In school he is carrying about a 3.7 GPA –not bad!

Rosie
There is so much to say about this sweet little girl, but we do get lots of info about her on our blog so we hope everyone will read it from time to time. Holly hasn’t been too great about keeping it updated, but whenever she feels well, she jumps onto the internet to post a few photos or type in a paragraph or two. Rosie has a love of life that keeps us all going, we have found laughter and joy everyday through her and this has even been on the days when we couldn’t have imagined laughing. Again, we have to thank the Lord for bringing her into our lives.

Here is the rest of our newsletter:
Christmas 2008

Merry Christmas Everyone. We are all doing well. As with each of you, sometimes we take things day to day and sometimes we struggle but all in all we are doing well; living well, finding joy in life and in each other and looking forward to pulling all the loose ends together in 2009.

Judy
Holly’s mom moved out in November and though it is still weird having her gone, we are glad that she is living only 30 minutes away. She is still close enough to help us out with our unending needs but still have her own space. We must admit that our home is very tiny and her section of it was just a little bedroom. She got an apartment much closer to work and we hope she is enjoying her privacy and freedom! We think she has cut about 11/2 hours off her commute! Other than that she is expanding her skills and interests in weaving and has created some beautiful works of art this year through knitting, weaving and she is even making and dying her own yarn. Kudos for keeping Education at the forefront of her life!

Robert
Robert continues working long hard days. His office has been very accommodating in letting him take time off when needed to help Holly with her many trips to the doctor. He keeps very busy between work and his church obligations. He is still a Counselor to the High Priest Group leader and has been pretty active with meetings and duties there. He also keeps busy trying to keep our little house from falling apart and throws in the odd nail or screw or mows the lawn or rakes the leaves or redoes all the things he has just completed from his last “Honey-Do” list. In the leftover time, he likes to enjoy life with his wife or one or more of his many, many children. Though only 4 live with him now, the other 4 are never far from his thoughts or actions as he tries to track them down by phone or email to see how they are doing.

Holly
Holly’s work has become as varied as her health. She is either running around going to doctor appointments and doing errands or she is laid flat out in bed doing absolutely nothing! It is up and down and we still don’t know what to expect or when, but some days are really good and some are really, really bad. The good news for 2008 though has been the supplement that Holly has begun taking. “Reliv” has certainly helped her by pumping up her immune system and keeping her feeling better than she otherwise would have. Since starting on the Reliv regime she has not been in the hospital once and that is probably the biggest blessing. She still awakes every morning and feels a great sense of gratitude for all that she has. In every trial there is joy and she is so glad to have the Lord with her in this journey.

You
Your thoughts and prayers have meant everything to us this year. There have been times in the past where we’ve pled for your love and support, but in 2008, we were begging for your prayers and we felt them and were uplifted by them. Through all the trials we found joy, behind black clouds we found silver linings and in facing our fears we found the Lord, always waiting for us to come back and be strengthened by our faith. When we were weak, we found our friends and family; ready to pray, hold our hands, feed us dinner, or drive our children to and fro. Each one of you has created an opportunity in our lives – in spaces where we just couldn’t do it ourselves. Thank you, thank you so much for loving this family by visiting us, emailing or calling us, for giving Alexander and Daniel rides so we could visit with Max. Can you ever realize how important each of those gifts was to us? This is the gift of Christmas. May you too be comforted and uplifted by this gift. Merry Christmas to each of you who read these words and were touched by the acts of service you did for us or for others. All of the best for 2009!

Please take a moment to log onto our blog and read about our incredible children and how they make the gift of Christmas come alive for us. Unfortunately, space limitations forced us to either edit or leave their accomplishments out of this newsletter. Our hope is that you will be so intrigued that you will want the full story, only to be found on our blog: www.baxterfamilyvienna.blogspot.com

With great love for you all,
Robert, Holly, Alexander, Max, Daniel, Rosie, Shasta (the Golden Retriever) and Roxy (our new rescue dog, terrier-mix)

Our Family minus Max

2008-10-14T04:50:00.000+02:00

Beautiful, beautiful Rosie

2008-10-14T04:48:00.000+02:00

3 Kids and a Bear on the Hill

2008-10-14T04:40:00.000+02:00

Me and Robert

2008-10-14T04:38:00.000+02:00

Max

2008-09-21T00:13:00.002+02:00

Max is doing really well. He had a break down while we were on vacation and one when we got back. These break downs have been really destructive and he has to be put in a hold. He loses "points" which are an important part of his advancement and earning priviledges.

The last couple weeks he seems to have realized that he is hurting himself with these weird episodes and he has really buckled down and is earning his points everyday and is trying hard with the counselors etc.

We have been very blessed the last month or so to have met people who have also had to put their children in one of these Residential Treatment Facilities or RTFs. We have heard only good things like, "It was a hard year, but she came out of it with a positive attitude" or "Yes, we had a couple of rocky years afterwards but he is married and has a family and a good job" etc. These comments from people who've been here have done a lot to cheer and uplift me. It is hard being without one's child. I miss him. When I go to visit him it feels weird and unnatural. It is like "they" are his family now. It is just weird.

In so many ways, I can't wait till he comes home and in many ways I'm terrified of the time when he does. He will start to earn passes soon and he'll be able to go out with us for a few hours. We are hoping that by Nov, he will have earned enough for a 6 or 8 hr pass to come home for Thanksgiving and that he will be able to spend Christmas day with us. He is working really hard right now to get a pass for his birthday (Oct 26th) so that he'll be able to go out with us for the day. I hope and am praying he will be able to do it, if he doesn't I think it'll be a big set back emotionally for him.

We knew there would be dangers in putting him in a place where there are a lot of children with really bad problems. His language has gotten really bad (though he never swears in front of us, thankfully!). If he ever had a testimony of the Gospel, he doesn't anymore. In fact, he complained to his counselor that he doesn't believe in the things we believe in and that because of our beliefs we have unrealistic expectations of him. He has also picked up lots of lingo and language - it is almost like prison language. Maybe it is just institutional language, but he has been nothing but wonderful and polite whenever we visit him.

He is allowed to call twice a week and he does always call and doesn't want to hang up when we are talking. A couple of times he has called and started crying (once when we were on vacation) and begging to come home. Telling me that it is worse than the orphange there and that he is only learning bad things because the kids are so bad and try to solve their problems through fist fights etc. These calls are heart wrenching and sometimes I do just feel like driving up there and yanking him out. I know it would be a mistake though. In fact, the more they work with him there, the more they discover that his problems are even deeper and more complex then we originally thought.

Sometimes I could just scream, knowing that for the most part, uncaring and uneducated adults did this to him. For the most part, it isn't his fault. But, when I calm down, I know that he chose us as much as we chose him. We are his parents - that is eternal - and we are the ones to give him love, a home, and to teach and raise him up to be a good citizen, to be useful and helpful and to treat others with respect. It is a big job, but we are up for it - we know it.

Vacation

2008-09-20T23:20:00.003+02:00

This was such a big deal. We could have never done this without 1) enough frequent flyers for everyone 2) the generousity of family who let us stay with them and 2 special family members who paid for us to stay in a hotel while in No. CA 3) The generosity of a sister/in-law who let us use her car the whole time we were in UT 4) The generosity of family who paid our entrance fee to many places, fed us, and did lots of things to relieve the financial pressure 5)The Walk-A - Thon my friends in Vienna held for me. The money really wasn't for us to take a vacation. It was for medical costs etc., but this trip went to my health and well-being and we did save a portion of those funds raised for us, to use for our trip. How can I thank all those people for helping us so much?? 6)A credit card ( I know that doesn't count as 'free', but sometimes 'deferment' is great too! Despite all of the help we had, we still ended up adding a big chunk to our CC, but there are times in life when we have to do important things and deal with the financial consequences later. I have no doubt this was one of those times.

Why was this trip so important? There are so many reasons on so many levels for me, but one of the things deep in my heart, was a desire for my children to see and be reminded of how much family they have, of how many people love them and are there for them and pray for them. Part of this was introducing them to my brother whom Alexander hasn't seen since he was 2. I haven't seen him since then either - 12 yrs! My brother now has two little girls - more Rosie's age, but the boys had a blast with them too and it was just such an enjoyable visit. I got to renew, reminice etc with my brother and his wife and I also got to know their children a little bit. It was important for the boys too - especially Alexander to get to know their Uncle. Up till now they've only had Uncles on Robert's side.

We also got to visit my other brother - stepbrother technically - in Las Vegas. I haven't seen him in 12 years either. He and his wife and 2 children (more the boys' ages) have just lived too far away whenever I come home to visit and it was so good to spend time with them and try to catch up on 12 years of comings and goings.

We got to see all our family except for one cousin on my side and two sisters on Roberts side (they are in other states). We saw children, grandchildren, parents, grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews etc and we even got to visit friends. (I'm just talking about my family and Robert's immediate family here - if we visited all of Robert's uncles and aunts and cousins it would take years!)

We had a little reunion with 3 of the families we traveled to China with. It was so fun to see their girls and how much they had changed in the year and a half since we got back with Rosie. Rosie was actually the most babyish of the group, with the other girls speaking quite a bit more than she does and she was the only one in diapers, but she is the youngest so we aren't too worried. It was great to get together with these families - we actually grew kind of close to them during those couple weeks in China-- maybe because it was such an exciting and emotional journy and we really shared our thoughts during that brief time, it was just wonderful to re-connect with them and see how they've grown by having these little Chinese princesses changing their lives.

We had a little downtime to swim in the pool in our hotel in St. George and my cousin met us there with her two daughters and that was a blast too - just hanging out in the pool and talking. In a way, I wish we could have done that everyday with everyone we visited, but it was just impossible. We needed to see everyone -- I had an almost compulsion or force driving me before we left and telling me that we needed to visit everyone. In retrospect, I feel part of this was my need to say "good-bye" to everyone. Before we left, I just knew I'd never be back West again. I knew that for most of those people, I'd never see them again. Afterall, the doctors only give me less than another year to live and that is what the statistics say too. After we'd leave each person or family, I'd feel an almost depression drape over me as I mentally said my final good-byes to them.

I don't want it to sound like I was depressed for the whole trip because I certainly wasn't. I had a great time. I was healthy and energetic every single day. I felt good and looked forward to each person we visited. It was just something I'd go through at every good-bye or even when we left Utah, it felt as if my heart were breaking - knowing I'd never be back, never see those mountains again or hug those people again. When we left California, my grandma and Ken came to say good-bye in the morning before we left for the airport. I lost it and just couldn't stop crying. I couldn't imagine never seeing them again. I couldn't imagine never being in my home town again. There are a lot of people I love in CA and that is where my roots are. It was really hard to leave with that feeling that it was my last visit.

I have to say that since we've arrived back in VA, I've had a 100% turn around. I've realized that I've focused too much on dying and just not enough on living. To be fair to myself (and Heaven knows I always want to be fair to myself) part of that was just being so sick and sleeping so much, of course, I'm going to focus on dying...it is hard to be positive when I'm vomitting all over the place. I am now trying to focus on being energetic, healing myself, even doing visualization - like envisioning the chemo knocking out those cancer cells. Living and focusing on life. I know I'll be back. Utah, California, who knows maybe even some other states out west. I do miss the west so much, the weather, the people, the lifestyle, our families. But, I now KNOW that I'll be back. I'm feeling better every day. The Reliv is helping, your prayers are helping, my family's love is helping, my friends are helping, my husband is always helping (o.k., technically he is family, but he deserves another mention), The Lord is always here for me.

It is complicated to explain probably because it is complicated to understand. So many people have this awful disease. So many die from it. Some do live though. Some live. Some live and even conquer cancer. Surely the Lord loves each one of His children equally, right? I guess that is how my ideas have kind of evolved to what I explained in my last post. The Lord Helps Those Who Help Themselves. I have decided that that is my job, my responsibility - to give thanks, to live life to the fullest, to enjoy, to serve and to show my gratitude, to take care of the temple He has given me. I must confess that after I had Breast Cancer the first time, I went right back to my evil ways - eating that which was not good for me, not exercizing enough, beyond that though -- inviting too much stress into my life, stressing over things that didn't need that level of my concern and attention, biting off more than I could chew, running faster than I could manage. Doing all the things that many of us do, but which we all know we shouldn't be doing. I'm not going to do it this time. Sure, I'm still going to have the occasional piece of cheesecake - otherwise I'd be violating the law about enjoying life, right?

Back to our vacation -- it was marvelous. The boys had a great time and Rosie had so much fun meeting all her cousins and getting to play with children everywhere we went. What could be better. Of course, it was sad that Max wasn't there, but I was at peace with the decisions we'd made and that he was in the place he needs to be so that next time we go out West, he can be with us and it can be a positive experience for him and for all of us too.

I'm Back...

2008-09-20T22:05:00.012+02:00

It is with great trepidation that I pulled up our Blog today. My, it has been so long since I've updated or visited here, I'm a little afraid of all the info I need to plug in. I've started to get complaints from friends, so I'll do my best to let everyone know what is going on with the Baxters these days.

Our vacation was wonderful. It was no less than fantastic. Somehow I was healthy and felt good for the whole 2 weeks. I must say I attribute this first to the Lord; He knew how important this trip was to me - it was so much more than a vacation and I definitely must say that I felt His uplifting hand many times when I started to feel tired or my tummy started to feel "chemo-y".

Secondly, I attribute my good health and overall well being to my new nutrition regime. About a week before we left for vacation, I started on a product called "re-liv" (which for me was quite aptly named). They are nutrition shakes which I am trying to drink several times per day to flood my body with vitamins and minerals. Sometimes I only get one in per day, but I'm shooting for 2-3 per day to really beef up my immune system - well, to try to get it healthy and maybe get to the point of beefing it up. I am a bit stunned at how much this product is helping me. I recovered from chemo much quicker than usual this time and actually skipped some of the worst steps altogether. I will talk about this more later. I think I'm going to start a health link so I can keep track of my tumor markers etc better, so I will document there if reliv is really helping me or if I'm just experiencing a placebo effect - either way, I'm happy.

Truthfully, I believe it is a combination of the nutrients etc and the Lord. I believe in Miracles - no doubt about it, they are happening everyday. My thought though, is that the Lord prefers to use our environment to create His miracles. He could, of course, just heal me now, zap all the tumors, get rid of the nasty cancer cells, etc. He does do this sometimes, but I've found that He likes us to try all we can ourselves and then He likes to use those tools we give Him from our own trials and attempts to help ourselves.

For example, I've been reading a lot about people who have survived Cancer. When I was in CA, a friend of my dad's gave me these great books by Greg Anderson. He was diagnosed with metasticized lung cancer in 1984 and given 30 days to live. He sunk into a depression and prepared to die and as he was slowly dying he decided he didn't want to die. He began to seek out survivors to see what they had done. It is a great book and he is still alive today. His basic message is; decide to live, cancer is a message to make a change in your life - heed the message and make the changes. Be positive, be spiritual, love yourself and your neighbors, eat better, exercize more, take nutritional supplements and drink more water (he says all cancer patients are dehydrated) do all the conventional things that conventional medicine advises - but be sure you believe in your doctors and in the regime they recommend for you. Once you have a plan - believe in it and everyday make the most of your life - be positive, be cheerful, laugh, love, forgive and stay very close to God.

It is nothing earth shaking or new, but by 1989 he was cancer-free and has been ever since. Wow. I can do that and I've been trying my best. There is more to it, of course, but in reading the books and starting to practice these things, I give the Lord tools to heal me. Does that make sense? In taking the shakes and flooding my body with nutrients, I'm giving the Lord tools to naturally heal and repair my immune system to fight off the cancer. I'm not saying the Lord needs these tools - I'm saying, I think He likes them. I think He wants me to work hard to repair myself - to show Him that I want to live and that I believe He can heal me. I'm also showing Him that I know my body is a Temple - an amazing temple that can create life, that can repair itself from disease and viruses, a temple that could only have been created by Him.

I you have ever been ill or never want to be, or if you or anyone you know or love has ever had cancer, read his books. Greg Anderson, Cancer Conquerer, 50 Things To Do When The Doctor Says It's Cancer, and the all around, non-specific, The 26 Non-Negotiable Laws of Good Health (okay, I'm not too sure of the title on that one, but if you check it out on Amazon you'll find it). He has other books too and he has a website, www.cancerrecovery.org it is worth checking out.

Also, I think this reliv is going to be worth checking out. As I said, I'm going to be documenting my recovery and side effects of the chemo etc and see how it goes. One of the first things I can already say is that I have been able to stop taking some of my medications. I do take medications for the pain - that is necessary at this point for me to be able to move at all. Unfortunately, the pain medication makes me very sleepy. I started taking some meds to keep me awake, and they worked great in the beginning but after a few weeks, they started to wear off. Eventually, I was back to sleeping for several hours every afternoon again. The doctor put me on Ritalin and that was the only way I could stay awake. It made me edgy and gave me a headache, but hey, I can't spend hours sleeping during the day - I'm home schooling my kids and I have a 3 yr old - I need ENERGY!

Well, the good news with this reliv is it gives me ENERGY - yeah! I can't say how important that is to me. I've been able to stop the Ritalin (which I not only hated, but it cost about $100 per month - and that is just the co-pay). So, I'm pretty thrilled with it so far.

Here is an overview of how each month usually goes for me:

I have chemo. I feel okay on Chemo Day and on Day 2 and Day 3. I usually wake up on Day 4 vomiting and with diahhrea. I spend 7-12 days unable to get out of bed except to run to the toilet. I keep a vomit bucket nearby and I vomit a lot. I do not eat or drink anything for 4-7 days. I get sicker and sicker and go to the E.R. at least once to get rehydrated, sometimes I am in such bad condition, I get admitted to the hospital for a couple days. During this 7-14 day period, I usually can't talk or interact with my family (or anyone else) because it makes me vomit. Basically, I spend the whole time trying not to vomit. It is truly awful. Around Day 10 - 14, I wake up and feel better. I'm able to eat normally and can get some fluids down. The next day, I wake up with mouth sores. These get worse and worse for 3-5 days. Eating and drinking is painful and just unpleasant. Talking hurts, brushing my teeth is miserable. Around Day 20 my mouth starts to feel better. I can eat and drink normally, but water still makes me nauseated. I have about 10 pretty good days until I have chemo again and start the whole thing all over.

It isn't the end of the world by any means, but it is lots of days when I don't get to be a part of life - I don't have any idea what is happening with my family, the boys take care of Rosie and everything else and it is a blur until it is over. I don't remember anything anyone tells me from this time. I do treasure the 10-14 good days I have at the end of the month and I am very grateful that the chemo seems to be keeping the cancer from spreading. I'm not really much worse that I was when I got diagnosed (from what we can tell). When we see the results for the CAT scans/ MRIs/Bone Scans etc, it seems to us that my body is in about the same condition as it was a year and a half ago. Not too bad.

Anyway, this month, after being on the reliv for about 2 and a half weeks, we noticed a huge, huge difference in the chemo. It hit me on Day 4 and I was only in bed about 4 days. I was still really weak and tired but I was able to come downstairs everyday after that. Granted, much of the time I was asleep on the couch for Days 7-10, but I was able to Eat and Drink every single day - even the days I was in bed. No E.R. By day 7 I was able to attend Max's meetings - yes, I was weak and tired but I was up and about and most of all, I was able to eat and drink and I never vomitted once. Again, I attribute this to the Lord and to the Reliv. I will keep you aprised of how things develop next month. I'm pretty excited though.

When we got back from vacation, we made another decision that we'd been considering the last couple months. I changed my oncologist. I have been going to Georgetown since my original diagnosis in 2000 and I've always felt confident in the care I've received. It is a renowned Hospital and a teaching hospital that has a huge emphasis on Cancer - the Lombardi Cancer Center is cutting edge and has all the best/latest and greatest technology.

The problem was for me, I realized, I was just along for the ride. As a patient, I wasn't really considered as a decision maker. My doctor was very smart and definitely knows everything about chemo, but I didn't feel like she had time for me. I only got to see her once a month before my chemo and she wouldn't spend more than about 5 minutes with me (literally). When I would ask her about lots of problems I was having, she always attributed them to something else (even though I knew it was from the chemo) and she would refer me to other doctors. You know, when you have cancer and are on chemo, other doctors don't want to see you, they always say, well, what did your oncologist say? It was very frustrating. Anyway, my mom found a brand new cancer center that is about 1/2 hour away from our home, compared to the 1 1/2 getting to Georgetown, the hassels with traffic and parking etc and the hassles with getting around a huge hospital - it was just exhausting. I really like my new oncologist and feel comfortable and confident and feel like I will be a part of my treatment options. That is a good feeling and I'm excited to get started with her.

I went on and on about me and my health again so I'll start a new post to talk a little about our vacation and tell everyone about how Max is doing. As always, thank you to all of you who actually read this blog and care about the development of me and my family. Your thoughts and prayers are invaluable and when I said that I actually felt the involvement of the Lord during our vacation - that is because of prayer, I know it. Your prayers are helping me so much and they are telling the Lord that I matter to you, I wish I had a better way to say Thank You, but I do say Thank You, keep thinking positive thoughts too.

Our own pool....

2008-07-12T22:01:00.004+02:00

The Baxter/Weitz work crew. Daniel and Alexander digging and digging...
Max demonstrates the two foot-ed dig
This is the middle of a heat wave too. You can't tell obviously, but it was so terribly hot and humid, my dad's shirt would be soaked completely and dripping with sweat within about 20 minutes of going outside.
Shasta does her part as inspectress.

I wrote in earlier posts about the above ground swimming pool we bought. I thought the whole pool thing was going to be a Saturday project. Boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. It has taken my dad, my husband and all three of my boys a few weeks to get things in shape to put in this little pool. Yes, it is an Above Ground Pool!! A smallish one. It's a big deal though for several reasons. First, we just have no entertainment budget for the summer so this is going to be something fun for the children to do whenever they like - it is free and it is great exercise for them. The main reason we got it though was for me. The physical therapists recommended that I get as much exercise as possible in a swimming pool; where I wouldn't be bearing my weight. It is amazing too, I can move around really well in the water and it isn't painful, but rather pleasant. It is such a nice feeling to be able to move again - almost like the old days. The best part is that I can pick Rosie up and play with her and even play with the boys again. I just can't say how nice it is to be able to be normal for a little bit. The only problem is that it is very difficult for me to get in and out of the pool, so I can only do it when Robert is home, otherwise, I'm afraid I might get stuck! Here are a few pictures of everyone doing some "groundwork" for the pool. Our backyard is really pretty steep so quite a bit of grading needed to be done.

Random Pix

2008-07-12T21:34:00.002+02:00

Rosie and Mommy getting ready for bed. Rosie managed to get Daniel's gameboy away from him. Daniel is such a softy - Rosie knows she can get to him with a few tears and boy does she love to "play gameboy". Basically, anything the boys do, she wants to do.
Thought I'd include this photo just to show how much Alexander has grown. He is huge. Unfortunately, he has put on some weight this year and he is really sensitive about it. I am really sorry that I passed on my Fat Genes to him - he is just like me; loves to eat carbohydrates, especially if they are baked with sugar, and doesn't love exercising that much. He also, like me, eats to relieve stress. The unfair thing for him is that he has two brothers with voracious appetites. Max and Daniel can and do eat all day long and they don't gain an ounce. In fact, poor Daniel, if he doesn't eat all day long, he will lose weight quickly. So Alexander gets to watch everyone else chow down - I know how hard it is. But, that wasn't what I started out to say. His hugeness is not related to his weight but to his height. He has just really shot up this year. One day he was my mom's height (um, ...short) and the next day I noticed him towering over her. I guess he is about 5'9" now. He will be 14 in August. It literally seems like yesterday that I was giving him baths in the kitchen sink. He has turned out to be such a fine adult; funny, interesting, passionate, righteous, sensitive, introspective - I don't know where all that came from, but it is a wonderful combination and I really enjoy talking to him and listening to his stories and his viewpoint on the world. However, with all that said, he was the sweetest little boy; always eager to please me, holding my hand, cuddling with me, thinking I was the smartest person in the world. Sigh. I miss that too.
Here is Rosie, back in the bucket. She loves sitting in little things - bowls, buckets, etc. In fact, the boys have to be careful when they mop or are cleaning that she doesn't climb into the mop bucket!

Rosie's Birthday

2008-07-12T21:11:00.002+02:00

This is our 2nd year in a row with a Dora The Explorer theme. We added a a little Diego (Dora's cousin) this year for variety. Thanks to my Dad and Sandy for getting the decorations etc together. I was actually in the hospital and was only released the night before.
Here I am with a little hair - this is mid-May.
The blurry figure on the right is my Dad.
Oh look! More Dora stuff, but also, that whole bucket is full of outdoor chalk and outdoor coloring stuff - very cool.
Rosie, Grandpa (Baba), Max and Grandma Sandy (Gigi). There is an unwritten law of at least 40 years that says that no picture will ever be taken of Sandy, ever. That law was laid down before the internet or digital pictures existed but there are lots of stipulations and by laws etc that go with it. For example, if somehow a picture is taken of Sandy, it will immediately be given to her for destruction etc etc. The penalties for disobedience are pretty severe. But, well, my beloved Sandy doesn't know anything about computers or the internet, she has no idea how to use them. There is no way she would ever know that this picture is posted here on my blog. So, with shaking fingers and 40 years of threats ringing in my ears, I boldly place this picture on the internet for all the world to see. I do so at no risk to myself or offspring because there is no way Sandy could ever access this site. The only way she would ever know about this is if.....well, if someone were to tell her about it. Well, I do have an edit button if I ever need it.

Daniel's Birthday

2008-07-12T20:07:00.002+02:00

Isn't this too cute? Donna, my dear friend and professional cake mistress offered to make this for Daniel. I really appreciated it. Normally, it is a big thing for me, making the children's birthday cakes, but this year, I didn't make a single one. At least Daniel got a homemade, really cool one - thank you Donna!
The smiling 12 year old after eating some Black Frosting-yuk.
Max, Daniel, Alexander and a nearly naked Rosie -eager to open bday presents. And, yes, that is Christmas wrapping in April. Sigh. Luckily, my boys don't care a bit about stuff like that (and yes, I include my husband in that too!)
Rosie: getting dressed up for the rain.
Dying Easter Eggs - and, yes, that is me. So, at Easter, I was totally bald. I actually have about and inch and a half of hair now - it is a much better look for me, I can assure you.

More Random Pictures

2008-07-12T19:51:00.003+02:00

Here is a picture of me trying to soak my feet. Oh, you don't see me? Well, anything that is little and has water in it, is a "bath" for Rosie. She loves "baths".
Yep, here I am trying to soak my feet again. This time, I refuse to move. Hah.
Grandma and Rosie working in the kitchen - getting everything ready to dye Easter eggs - I told you these pictures are random! Rosie calls Grandma "Na". That is it - Na. She calls my Dad "Baba" and she calls my stepmom, Sandy "Gigi". I have no idea where she gets these names, but they are pure Rosie. She has always refused to call Alexander by his correct name too. She called him Ge ge right from the start - it means older brother in Chinese and it stuck. When we try to get her to say Al-ex-an-der, she says Al- ex- ge- ge. Ha ha. Now, however, she has made a change and she has started calling Alexander Ge- gy which sounds a lot like Daddy and also quite a lot like doggy which she has started calling Shasta. Keep Up!
This picture is from May or beg of June. The kids were begging to go swimming. Rosie dragged her little pool into the backyard and Max filled it up with some nice, Arctic hose water. Shasta is the only one who looks comfortable. The buckets they are sitting in are filled up with hot water from the kitchen tap. Other than that, they are having lots of fun!
Max; in the first stages of hypothermia.

More Good News!

2008-07-12T18:50:00.002+02:00

Get This!! We just got the test results back. We had to get Alexander and Daniel tested to meet VA's requirements for homeschooling. We have to show the government that they are actually learning and that they are keeping us with their counterparts in public school. I have no problem with this and was actually quite eager to learn how they would score against those in traditional education.

I looked through a bunch of the acceptable tests - the IOWA, CTBS, the CAT etc. Some of them were awfully lengthy and I didn't want to totally stress the boys out. Also, I had to get a proctor to administer the tests and the less time they spent taking the tests, the less it would cost us!

On top of that, I just wanted to get an idea of how they were doing - did the stuff sink in or was it in one ear, out the other? I decided to go with the CAT - the California Acheivement Test? Hmm, can't remember what it stands for at the moment, but it is the nationally accepted test, equivalent to the Iowas, but it only takes about 3 hours to take, whereas the Iowa is split into two days of testing, about 3 or 4 hours on each day. yikes.

Anyhoooo....Daniel scored in the 95th percentile and Alexander scored in the 99th percentile. I am so pleased. I have to say I was a little worried since I was so sick this year - the boys ended up working quite independently. But, that makes me all the more proud. They knew how sick I was and they could have gotten away with lots of shortcuts or worse. Instead, they chose to take the high road, even when there was little to no accountability. How grateful I am for my righteous (and smart) sons! Great thanks to my Heavenly Father for trusting me with these sweet souls, where would I be without them?

Daniel is Home!! Hurray!

2008-07-12T18:37:00.002+02:00

Okay. You are probably wondering if I will ever post anything uplifting! Sorry to be so gloomy of late, but today I do have great news. Daniel left last Monday for Scout Camp and he just returned home - nearly a whole week without him.

It was really weird because Max has also been gone for several weeks and before Daniel left we had already been talking about how quiet the house is without Max - the difference is huge. With Max at home, there is always a constant mid-level to upper-level hum, often punctuated by screams, crying, yelling, the sounds of walls being hit etc. All of that is gone without him here. I had no idea that ALL of it was caused by him - either directly or as a result of something he said or did to antagonize his brothers.

Well, with Daniel gone too, it was just eerily silent all week. Rosie and Alexander are our singers, so I could hear them singing quite well all over the house - even Rosie's hums while she plays in her bedroom were audible from wherever I was in the house - amazing.

Daniel had a great- wonderful - fantastic time at camp. I am so thrilled that he did well and had fun. He earned 5 merit badges in one week! Wow. He came home with a leather knife pouch, two baskets and a stool - all of which he had made/woven himself. I'm as proud as a peacock. What a good boy he is.

Rosie could not have been more excited when he walked in the door. She was jumping up and down and saying, "Daniel, Daniel, come play with me!". Poor little girl, with me sick in bed all week and Alexander running around trying to do all the chores and take care of me, he hasn't had much time to play with her. I've tried to entertain her from my bed with coloring, reading etc, but that only goes so far for a three year old!

I think with Daniel gone this week, Alexander realized how much work Daniel does. Hopefully, he will appreciate him a little more? In any case, we all really missed him and are so glad to have him home. Our gratitude to all the Scout leaders who take on this huge task each year - thank you for making this a wonderful experience for our son and most especially for returning him to us safe and sound!

Tony Snow

2008-07-12T18:24:00.002+02:00

Sigh. Another one's gone.

Tony Snow was the White House Press Secretary for Pres Bush for a while. He just seems like such a nice, intelligent, family loving man (whatever your politics are).

He was having chemo at Georgetown - the same place I go. In fact, Robert and I ran into him just about 2 months ago. We were all leaving at the same time and he was oo-ing and ah-ing over Rosie. He helped us into the elevator (yes, with a wheelchair and a 3 year old we often require help!) and we rode down together. He seemed so healthy - his hair thick and dark (okay, I know that isn't an indicator, but in the cancer world, that is the first thing we patients look at!) - he was strong - he was there on his own. I mean usually, when it is getting towards the end, the patients come with family members or friends when they come for their treatments, but he just seemed like he was doing great.

Actually, when he still worked for Bush and, I think for a while afterwards, we would see the security detail waiting around in the hallway - it made it all the more strange for him to just be there by himself. I don't think anyone should go for chemo alone. I'm so grateful that Robert always goes with me and I always feel so awful when I see people getting their treatments and sitting alone. Of course, it may be their preference, but it still breaks my heart - especially if they are elderly.

If you watch the brief interview on this link, you will see where I go to get my treatments. It is the same room where he is sitting for his treatments.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25649744

I just could not have been more shocked this morning when Alexander told me that Tony Snow had passed away. Really. It is frightening that he could just be so very healthy one day and that the cancer could devour and kill him so quickly. This is the meanest, cruelest disease. He left behind a wife a several young children.

a long, long update...

2008-07-12T05:29:00.001+02:00

Holly

It has been a terribly long time since my last post; not just in passage of time but in happenings too. I hardly know where to start. Guess I’ll start with myself, since that is the easiest. I got sick again this month. I don’t know what the problem is. It was another really bad time. I spent 9 days in bed unable to move (except for the night Robert dragged me to the ER to get some fluids pumped into me – we spent all night there rehydrating me). Other than that, I just lie in bed, every muscle concentrated on not vomiting – the first 7 days I didn’t even turn on the t.v. or pick up a book – it was awful. Every drop of liquid my mother and husband tried to force into me came back up and food was out of the question. I should be about as skinny as a rail, but no, I’ve got that good European Farmer Stock, lucky me!

The worse part of being in this condition is that I can’t take my medications. This is bad for several reasons – the first and most obvious is that I am in extreme pain – not such a big deal since I am lying unmoving, perfectly still (concentrating on not vomiting) on my bed the whole time. The only time I move is to go to the bathroom and that isn’t too often. This condition leads to bedsores and stiff necks and bad moods when I am more awake. The other problem with not taking my meds is that I go through terrible withdrawal. This makes me sound like a total junky of course, but it is an awful feeling. They do have me on lots of pain meds to manage the bone pain and I also take anti-depressants which also help to manage the pain (bet you didn’t know that!). Anyhow, after a few days of not being able to keep my meds down, I start to go through terrible withdrawal – additional nausea, dizziness, oh, and more bad mood stuff. You may be wondering around now, “hey, what about her kids? – doesn’t she have kids to take care of?”. All I have to say to that is that I’m incredibly blessed to have my mother living here, to have a husband who is always completely comfortable with ‘going with the flow’ and to have at least one son who is always ready to feed all the other children.

Chemo is always uncomfortable, there is always some element of sickness, pain, nausea etc., it is just some months are so, so much worse than others. The doctors didn’t explain this but I suspect that this month it was because my platelets were so low. They had to give me two blood transfusions before they could administer the chemo. Sigh. Sometimes I have to ask myself if….no, I don’t have the luxury to ask myself any questions of the sort – I just need to do this!

We did get more scans done and everything looks okay as far as the tumors go. I mean, no big growth spurts on any of the existing tumors – they did pick up more bone deterioration and some more cracks, chips and breaks in ribs. But, that is to be expected.
Today was my first day of feeling better and I came downstairs, opened my email and found about 400 unread email – can you imagine??! Most of it is junk, but I do feel bad for those who have written me and I haven’t responded. I’m so sorry and will write back to you asap.

On top of all this, I have to update about my children. I don’t know if it has been obvious or not, but this year, I’ve written little about my boys. It is so easy to write about Rosie – she makes such huge progress each month and she is such a happy, life-loving person, it is a joy to write about her and post photos of her progress etc. We enjoy her so much – she keeps us smiling when we feel like crying and most importantly, when we chase the spirit away, she invites Him back! I often feel the Lord purposefully put her in my life for those very reasons and for others too. It is true that when I am so far gone that I don’t feel the Lord with me anymore, I can look into her funny, happy face and feel the Lord’s love for me through Rosie – that may sound odd, but there have been many times in my life when my children or husband have brought me back to the Lord when I was feeling like I was walking too far from Him. How grateful I am for my family – all of them; all of mine and all of Robert’s. What would we do without each one of them/you??

Daniel

Our boys have struggled a lot this year. Daniel’s struggles have probably been fewer than the other two. Sometimes he is like the amazing rubber boy – things stick for a few minutes and then bounce off of him – allowing him to paste that smile back on his face, give me a hug and tell me he loves me. He has had to do a lot of growing this year, he had to open up to us about his past – about secrets he had been keeping for many years. He made a lot of bad decisions this year, decisions that surprised us, but ultimately, he repented and tried hard each time to get back onto the right track. We are exploring some options for counseling for him this year and hope that he will find a way to finally put all of his past behind him. Daniel loves the gospel though – he loves the Lord and he knows right from wrong and we know that he will be able to find his way, that we’ll be able to help him and that he will grow up to be a good missionary, husband, father, priesthood holder, and a righteous, thoughtful man.

Alexander

Alexander’s struggles have been complex and complete. He is the one struck hardest by my diagnosis last summer. His life was turned upside down again and the move to the U.S. was complete unwelcomed by him. He loved living in Frankfurt – he loved church there, he had lots of friends, liked where we lived, loved our lifestyle etc. He hates it here and that hurts so much. He is just so lonely. He has not made one friend at church and that is so odd for him – he is the most social, friendly young man and he tried so hard at first, but he quickly came to the conclusion that he is to be an outcast at this ward. I guess at this age (almost 14 now), it is hard to move into a new social situation where everyone has basically grown up together. However, we have seen lots of new youth move into our ward since our arrival and they always seem to hook up with new friends. Maybe it is just a question of personalities; in any case, Alexander is sure that he is avoided because of his weight. He has put on some weight this year and he is really self- conscious about it. I feel so bad for him. Luckily, he has been able to find a league where he can indulge his passion; Pokemon. He gets to go play almost every Saturday and often he plays in tournaments in other parts of VA and even out of State. He has some friends from his League and though they all live far away, at least he has someone he can email with or talk on the phone with, or play online with once in a while. I am really grateful for that, before he realized he had friends at his league he was really despondent and moody all the time.

Max

It is hard to talk about Max. We have had so many problems with him from the very beginning. He is just a challenging child – the last four years we’ve made so much progress with him though, I guess we thought we’d get through all the tough stuff one way or another. He just has so many problems. He really was abused in the orphanage, but more than that, he was an abuser in the orphanage – we knew that, but we’ve also always known that adopting older children wouldn’t be easy – we have always known that we have the Gospel, we have the Lord on our side and we have a strong marriage and an amazing family – who could ask for more to heal wounded souls? Max has always danced right along the edge – often crossing it, but dancing right back with a smile on his face – finding our discomfort, rage, fear, or pain amusing. Last summer, when we got the new diagnosis, Max lost more than a mother. I saw it on his face just like I saw it on all the boys’ faces’ – I watched them lose me and it was the most pain I’ve ever felt. But, when we got the diagnosis, we also lost Max’s sister whom we’d been trying to adopt for nearly 4 years. It was all too much for him and I think it catapulted him over a fence he was bound to climb at some point anyway, but the pain and the losses let him do it immediately; with no regard for us or our teachings or our rules or our love.

It started right away last summer with Max going into overdrive. Both he and Daniel have a condition called RAD – Reactive Attachment Disorder – quite typical of institutionalized children, especially in Eastern Europe/ Russia. These children don’t develop normal attachments in infancy and it affects everything they do for the rest of their lives. Some can grow up to be functional, contributing members of society, but they need lots of help to get there-lots and lots of help. Max also has other realities that fight and drag him down; learning disabilities, low intelligence, short stature…they all combine inside of him to suck away his sense of self and any little bit of confidence he may have. He is a master of over- compensating, but the horror of it is that this little boy who is a victim of careless and caring-less adults, has been left with no conscience, he feels no remorse for the things he does – including raping a 6 year old girl with a stick or sexually abusing his little (adopted) brother. He was constantly in trouble at school all year and ended the year getting suspended for asking a little girl and boy if they had had relations, but used a different word.

Home was no better and we began to get scared – well, I did at least. I actually started locking my bedroom door at night, because I was so unsure of what he might do. We found out a couple of weeks ago. It is a long story, but I’ll shorten it by saying that Max tried to set the house on fire. He set several fires in the basement and garage. It was not obvious at first what was going on and we called in an emergency electrician who showed us (the dumb, blind parents) that the things we were looking at were done purposefully. It all came together along with some other things and we ended up calling the police. What an awful night. Robert and the police officer took Max to the hospital but he ended up being transferred to a mental hospital where he still is now. He has been there just over two weeks now. They have done a lot of testing on him and currently have him taking some medications which may help him, but the fact is that it isn’t safe for him to come home. The mental hospital’s evaluation recommends that Max be transferred to long term residential care. We don’t know yet exactly what this will mean; how often we will be able to see him, if we’ll be able to take him to church with us, etc, etc. So far, all we have are questions, questions, questions.

He calls every evening and I get to talk to him for about 20 minutes. He was having a great time at first, really enjoying the food, getting dessert after every meal, going to the gym every day and living with lots of boys, …it was the same ol’ same ol’ and it fit Max nicely. It has only been the last couple of days that he has been asking to come home. It is so hard. This is our son. We love him. We love him so much, there is actually, despite all I have said, there is actually so much about him that is loveable. I miss him, I’m nervous and scared about his future. I’ve given so much of myself to him, to heal him, to love him, he is my son, our son, it just can’t end like this.

No one is saying this is going to be a permanent situation, but they are saying that he needs at least 6-12 months of intense residential treatment. Who knows where I’ll be in a year? I pray that we will find a way to spend time together this year and that…that someone will step in and help him. We do have a possible angel on the horizon. The Social worker from Max’s previous school has been awesome in helping us and in getting funding for us. She found a counselor for Max who has lots of experience in RAD and in post institutionalized children. He is just wonderful and had just started to come to the house to work with Max when the whole burning down the house thing happened. The county is funding his work with Max and we could not be more grateful. We pray he is the one or that the Lord will send the right person who can reach Max, work with him, and teach him. I know it is possible and have read of success stories, so I just need to keep my faith and to pray for more faith.

Thank you to everyone for your love and prayers. They are helping me so much right now, and Max and my whole family need that reassurance that comes from your prayers. Thank you so much. I will update with more cheerful news soon. But please know, this is just an update to let everyone know what is going on with us. We are actually doing okay though. The Lord truly is on our side and for that we can only be happy. We try to keep an eternal perspective; I know I will have my whole family together again, so when we squeeze through the tight spots and shed the tears, it is okay, we can close our eyes for a second and feel the Lord’s omnipotent arms holding us up.

SCC

2008-06-03T23:38:00.002+02:00

One of my favorite songs is "All I Want for Christmas". It is by a popular Christian musician, Steven Curtis Chapmann. I really enjoy some of his music and that song in particular is so wonderful. It is about children with no families or homes, he sings, "all I really want for Christmas is someone to tuck me in, a shoulder to cry on when I lose, a shoulder to ride on when I win...........all I really want for Christmas, is a family". The first time I heard it, I saw the video too. He shows pictures of Foster Children who are looking for homes. It is such a beautiful song. He also has a few others that just move me deeply. I first got interested in his music because I found out he has a ministry and trys to help people who adopt from China. He and his wife had adopted 3 beautiful girls from China and they truly want to help others, so I started reading his blogs etc while we were waiting for our court date for Rosie.

Anyway, on May 22, they lost their youngest (adopted from China) daughter in a driveway accident. She was 5 years old. I found out about it the next day and they have been on my mind and in my prayers. Please, if you are so inclined, check out their blog and remember them in your prayers:

http://chapmanchannel.typepad.com/inmemoryofmaria/?roi=farm-12766586-88803-14a570b25b795856f5a4b7c2b8067d5a&

My Health

2008-06-03T23:21:00.002+02:00

Well, it has been a pretty crudy month for me, health wise. I was on session 6 (out of 10) on my radiation when I started to get pretty ill. They gave me some medicine to help with the nausea, but I kept getting worse. I was unable to eat or drink and by session 8, I was vomitting profusely and was getting very weak. I had session 9 on a Thursday and was up all that night vomitting and on Friday I called and cancelled for my last session, I was too weak to even get out of bed. On Saturday, wouldn't you know it, my mom had to leave for a week for a conference.

By Saturday afternoon, Robert was so scared he insisted we go to the E.R., which we did. They admitted me and just started filling me full of fluids. My Blood Counts were so low, they were surprised I was still alive. In fact, they didn't believe it and drew my blood again to double check it!! I can only say that your prayers kept me alive through this terrible time.

They kept me for about 4 days, my mom came home early from her conference (sorry mom, but thank you) and I tried so hard to eat and drink, but I just couldn't. Anything I tried to get down just came back up again. It was only a couple days before I ended up back in the E.R. again - this time for almost a week. It was really awful. I hope I never feel that sick again and I hope no one else ever has to go through that.

I just started to feel better this week - after I'd been home from the hospital about 2 weeks. I do feel much better now though and I thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers for me. A huge thank you to the sisters who brought food to my family the first time I was in the hospital when my mom was gone. Also, I'm sorry if I haven't emailed you in a long time. When I finally could get back on the computer again I had over 900 emails. Most of it was junk, but still, it took me forever to sort through it all.

Please don't ever take your health for granted. Give thanks each day that you wake up and feel good. Use your body - work hard, play lots, serve your family, friends and strangers. Oh, how I wish I could!!

Miracle Part 2

2008-06-03T23:05:00.004+02:00

We recently received another check from the Holly Walk-a-Thon. Apparently, they hadn't collected all the donations when they sent the first check. So, they just sent me the final check for another 900+ dollars. It is unbelievable!! Over $4,000 in all. This money came at such an opportune time for us too, how can we express how much we needed it and appreciate it. We were able to put some of the money toward bills, but we also used some to buy supplements for me that I really believe are helping me with the cancer and also to overcome some of the bad side effects of the chemo. We put a little aside to take a quick trip this summer.

Basically, we have all the frequent flyer miles that we had been saving up to go get Anastasia from Russia. So, we have enough for all of us to fly out West this summer. It is really important to me, because we still have family who haven't met Rosie yet. In addition, both Robert and I have relatives who are elderly and between my health situation and theirs we figured we should get there this summer. But, we didn't have enough money for eating and a rental car, so now we will be able to do it. How wonderful.

Finally, we used some of the money to buy a small, above ground pool. This is going to be wonderful for the children this summer and they are so excited about it. However, that isn't the main reason we purchased it. The physical therapist told me that my best exercise opportunity would be in the swimming pool, but it just seemed so hard, logistically, for me to go to the pool. I can't get dressed by myself and I'd have to keep an eye on Rosie and the boys - how would I be able to exercise etc. I just felt like I'd be overwhelmed and exhausted by the time I even got changed into my swimsuit, so, I never went. Robert came up with the idea of putting a little pool in our backyard. We aren't sure yet how I'm going to get in and out of it, but I'm sure we'll figure out something. My dad and stepmom flew out for a quick visit and my dad helped Robert and the boys get the backyard leveled out and ready for the pool. Robert just set the pool up a couple of days ago. Right now, it is about as cold as the arctic ocean but as soon as it warms up, I'll be in there every day, not only exercising but hopefully getting to do something fun with my children.

How grateful we are for the money and all the opportunities it gave us. Amazing that you could change my whole families lives with 2 checks - but you have. Thank you to everyone who participated in the Walk-a-Thon. What marvelous people you are.

My miracle

2008-04-19T00:48:00.004+02:00

I have posted here previously about the amazing friends I have and I know I've posted often about my friends in Vienna - we only lived there a short 3 years, but what a life changing experience it was for me. I made friends who were to become my sisters - women whom I am sure I've known from a previous time. Have you ever felt like that when you met someone - like you've always known them. That was my experience in Vienna and not just once or twice but many times with many people, there are a few though, who know my heart and soul and whose love and prayers I have felt uplifting me when I couldn't make it any farther. My dear friend Stephanie organized a Holly walk-a-thon to raise money for me recently and I just got the check a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure if she did it mostly on her own or if others were involved, I know that another dear friend, Ronde', surely helped. But, Stephanie, was able to collect money from people who don't even know me - I'm not sure how they did it but they raised $3,250 to help us with medical expenses etc. This money arrived at a time when it was truly needed and I have to give my thanks publicly to all who participated. She sent me the list of names of the people who donated to my cause and I am just rendered speechless by the length of the list.

It looks like the husbands of some of my friends even took my cause to work with them and were able to find donors who have never even heard of me. They went to church and I saw the list of names and I know that many of those people struggle to put food on the table for their children, yet somehow they were able to come up with donations for me. I even saw names from the school where my children previously attended - Max's first grade teacher, Daniel's second grade teacher, Alexander's music teacher, parents of my children's friends. Friends of friends and parents of friends who don't know me, but who felt inspired to help. How can I thank each and every one of you? It means so much to me and this money feels sacred and holy and we are so grateful for your love and your sacrifice.

As for the people who did the actual walk, here are a couple of pictures. I didn't want to post anything that really shows faces because I don't have permission, but these are the dearest people. They walked all the way from the house I used to live in to the church we all attended, the love and thought that went even into that small detail, warms my heart. It was a long walk and after that they had to all go and collect the money - much of it from overseas too. I just can't imagine how all this was organized and executed but I am full of love and gratitude because of it.

Thank you to each and every one of you who particpated in this event. I have the list of names (many of whom I don't know) and I look at it all the time - you are in my heart - you are my miracle and I pray that you will be blessed for your sacrifice and kindness.

I am feeling pretty good right now and just got the results back from a brain MRI -- it is negative and that has been great news for us. I am going to start radiation therapy on April 21 - just 10 sessions. They found a fracture in my spine and a big tumor pressing on it. The radiation is going to be to try and shrink a couple of the larger tumors that are causing me pain in my lower back and hips/legs. I pray this will help and that I will be able to walk/get around better afterwards.

Thank you to everyone who prays for me and thinks about me. You give me strength and uplift me and my family and we love you so much for that!

Some of my dear, dear friends relaxing after a long walk.
Here they are walking along the Danube - thankfully they got a good day. Stephanie said it had been raining up till then, but they got beautiful weather for the walk.

My 5 o'clock shadow...

2008-03-19T21:43:00.002+01:00

Well, we got some of the test results back. Most things look 'stable', but they did find a fracture in my lower spine and a rather large tumor next to it. The tumor may or may not be pushing on the fractured site causing pain. But mostly they have decided that it is the chemo that is causing my elephant leg problem. So, back onto the chemo; once again modified. We are keeping our prayers flowing, hoping that this too shall pass.

Robert got to go to the Temple tonight; I'm a bit envious, but oh so happy he got to go. My mom has been taking Wednesdays off so she can stay home with the boys while we go to Chemo. Rosie comes with us and keeps all the nurses entertained. She is always lively and amusing. It is so sweet, she always cuddles up to me while the nurses poke and prode and she rubs my arm and says, "aw...mama ow ow", "aw". Over and over again - she can be so empathetic.

About the title...I am so thrilled, this newest chemo I was on allowed me to grow a little 5 o'clock shadow on my head. It is about as long as Robert's is at the end of the day, but still, it is a little color on my scalp instead of a shiny, white, glowing light bulb! We'll see if it contines to grow or if it will all fall out now. I also got back 1/2 of my eyebrows. They grew from the corner of my eyes to about 1/2 way so the outer part didn't grow back in...oh well, some hair is way better than none!

Another month has gone by

2008-03-06T17:23:00.002+01:00

It has been a hard month for me. I have been having bad reactions to the chemo and have been in a lot of pain. I have awful elephant legs - seriously I gained 22 lbs in 10 days and its all in my legs and feet. They range in color from a light blue to a deep almost purple-black. I'm unable to move about too well and feel pretty yucky. This is not to complain but just to let everyone know what's going on.

On the brighter side.....

My good husband has decided to heed my pleadings and buy me all the stuff I need to start a little business. I have had such a hard time figuring out what I can do. I know I have talent - God has told us that we each have our talent, but it remains elusive to me. So, I have friends with true talent and I watch them and try to figure out how I could do the things they do, and make it into a business where I could make some money...

Then, in November, we had a Super Saturday at church. It is a day of crafts and fun and I usually don't go, cuz, well, I'm craft challenged too. But, I went because I just need to start getting to know the sisters at church and I really needed a day pretending I was just a normal girl having fun. Well, I had a blast. I made some signs which are vinyl lettering on wood planks. Simple. But, it was fun and they look great too. I loved it and immediately decided I could do that as a business.

I've been doing research, trying to see if there is a market, and honestly, I can't figure it out, but we got a great deal on ebay on the machine that does the cutting of the vinyl - yes, more credit card debt, but, this time I should (hope, pray, hope, pray, pray) be able to pay it off. So, we are off and running. Not too fast though...I'm still working on figuring out the software program for the machine - it is complex, but I will do it!! I am thinking that in the next couple of weeks I should have a website on ebay and maybe on deseretauctions.com---whoo hoo.

Right now, I'm working on getting my body to co-operate with all of my grandplans. It's hard when your body won't keep up with your brain. Anyway, I've got lots of MRIs, CTs and other such stuff scheduled for this month to try to figure out why I'm swollen up like a giant eggplant. A Giant, Bald Eggplant. I will post news as I get it.

The Game

2008-02-03T01:37:00.000+01:00

We did it. We went to the game and the Jazz won. Yippee. It was a bit hard on me and I have elephant legs today (they really do swell up), but it was lots of fun. Sometimes, you gotta have fun!

Test Updates for January 08

2008-02-01T18:13:00.000+01:00

We got the test results back and things are looking pretty good. None of the tumors are measuring any larger and the tumors in the liver, stomach, lungs and in the lymph nodes next to my pancrease are either the same size or a tiny bit smaller so that is good. For some reason it is hard for them to measure the tumors in the bones but they seem to be the same size which is good.

The bad news is that my hands and feet are getting worse and worse numbness and cold. Typing is quite difficult as I can't feel and the steriods they give me which are anti-nauseantes blur my vision so I can't see well either. Sigh. Don't mean to complain, but the doctors decided that the numbness is actually quite serious and could lead to a permanent crippled condition and that I needed to get off that chemo right away. It is very unfortunate too because that was the best stuff and the newest too. Avastin and Taxil/Paclitaxil. That was the way to go and I might get back on it again after a while of letting the side effects go. Now I'm on another one called Gemzar (which I believe was also one of the bad guys on Star Trek - wasn't it). Anyway they chose this one because it should aleve the numbness after a few weeks and it can also be used with the miraculous Avastin which I was on before so that is something to look forward to.

Anyway, my vision seems to be getting better though the numbness isn't clearing up yet, but we were told to expect a 3 week or so wait for that. The worst side effects so far with this new stuff is neausea which we have just got new tablets for and also terrible swelling in my legs. It is so bad I can hardly move right now and have to keep my feet elevated often throughout the day. My legs swell terribly - even so one leg looks like two and I have no ankle and my feet look like a cave person's purple swollen stumps. Yuk. I do not, in the least, exaggerate. Anyway, that is the situation as of now and tonight is the big night. I got Robert tickets to the Wizards/Jazz game tonight. It is something we've always wanted to do but just never could afford, so in my insane credit card/Christmas spree, I decided to go ahead and make a few dreams come true. I hope I'm up to it and can really enjoy it without complaining. It cost a fortune, but I wanted to do it before I deteriorate anymore!

Seriously, I'm feeling much better than last week and have good hope for next week. The good thing about this new chemo is that I'll be 2 weeks on and one week off. That is a good thing, to have that break, but I don't know how it is going to work out with my mom having to take a week off every two weeks to watch the boys. Ah, well, it will all work out somehow.

Hope everyone reading this is in good health and enjoying their lives to the fullest. Don't let a day go by...don't miss a kiss or a hug..and don't pass by a smile! Sorry for all the typos!

PETS - Do you let your dog.....

2008-02-01T18:06:00.000+01:00

Sit on the furniture? Sometimes I regret having established this bad habit with my dogs, I get hairy and my company gets hairy too. But, how I love it when Shasta cuddles up with me on the sofa or lies down next to Rosie when she is napping on the couch. Oh well. I know lots of dog people who show up at church wearing dark colors and you would never suspect they have dogs - I don't know how they do it because I've seen their critters on the couch too. Anyway, doesn't Shasta look comfy here? She actually color coordinates quite well too!

Rosie's alphabet

2008-01-29T05:20:00.001+01:00

A Working Woman?? Hah!

2008-01-12T02:44:00.000+01:00

Well, it is true. I am looking for a job I can do from home. Some kind of internet job, I know there has to be something out there and I've been researching it the last few days. I just need to work a few hours a day on the computer. If anyone knows of anything please let me know. It seems like there are lots of opportunities out there, but how to distinguish between the legitimate ones and the scams? They all seem like scams to me and we can't afford to send each of these people $50 or $100 to each of these places to find out if they are legit.

So, anyone knows of anything that is legit, please let me know.

My Health

2008-01-12T02:33:00.000+01:00

I have been doing pretty well. The problem now is that I need to rebuild the muscle in my legs and back. Lying flat on my back for 2 1/2 months just caused everything to atrophy - disgusting! I just got some more tests done; a bone scan and a CT and I'll have the results the end of the month so I will know more then.

A lot of people keep asking me when I'll be done with the Chemo and the answer is: Never. That is what is going to keep the cancer from eating up all my bones and organs, well, it won't stop it but it will slow it down. The stuff they have me on now is probably the strongest and certainly the newest stuff. I will stay on this until the tests show that the cancer is moving quickly again and then they will try me on some other type of chemo and that will be the game, switching chemo therapies trying to stay ahead of the cancer. My last tests did show the tumors in my liver are smaller - that is such miraculous news and not really expected. As I said, the hope is just to slow it down, stop it from getting much bigger very fast.

We have total faith in the Lord. Our struggle, as always, is trying to live the commandments, keeping the spirit with us all the time, and being the best people we can be. From time to time we get a big wake-up call that tells us we need to get back on track and that is where we are now. We know the Lord can't give us the blessings he intends for us unless we are doing what we are supposed to be doing too. We are grateful for all the prayers from all of you who love us. You have prayed life into me and kept my family going and we love you all so much.

Rosie Reads.....

2008-01-11T23:57:00.000+01:00

Rosie loves reading letters! She can pick out about 1/2 of them. Her pronunciation isn't too perfect, but she has so much fun. She calls "r" roe-roe which is her name for herself and since r starts roe roe well that is a better name than "r". She is trying hard to pronounce her own name properly now too. It sounds kind of like ro-he, but still she usually says, roe-roe.

Today I put on a t-shirt with a lot of writing on it and she got so excited and started pointing out all the letters she knows. Her favorites are the vowels and she knows all of them. She has been making lots of two word sentences but yesterday she said, "More rice, momma". Three words! yea. I just can't wait to communicate better with her.

I have the cutest video of her "reading" but I can't get them to load. I'll try again tomorrow.

Sliding down the stairs..

2008-01-11T21:53:00.000+01:00

This is great fun. Rosie usually finds entertainment on her own.

Christmas Day, later in the day...

2008-01-11T21:37:00.000+01:00

Okay, I'm posting pictures backwards, sorry about that. This is Stewart and Scott playing with, I mean setting up this very cool music/marble run thing they got Sade. They wouldn't let Sade touch it (just kidding), but it was really neat. They attached an ipod to it and the balls and lights would coordinate with the music. They tried setting it up a few different ways - cool. I can't find a good picture of Stewart, but I'll keep looking. He is an amazing man too. He is in the AF and he also serves in the Bishopric at his ward, but really what I think he is so good at it being a father - his kids just light up whenever he talks to them or plays with them. I was able to see him discipline his boys a couple of times and he is just so evenhanded and calm with them. He and Erin complement each other so well and it was just a pleasure to watch them - they are a good example for Scott too -- HINT, HINT Scott-- I mean, no rush, but you'd be a great daddy and husband too!!

Here is a beautiful shot of Erin and Drew. She started to fade a few hours later and she and the baby took a short rest on the couch.
Scott and Stewart still hard at work.
This is the little inch worm Rosie got for Christmas. She loves cruising around on it.
Ethan and Sad playing one of games they got.

Christmas Morning

2008-01-11T20:53:00.000+01:00

Well, I tried so hard to make this the best Christmas ever. I decided my kids really deserved a special Christmas; it truly has been a hard year for everyone. I also wanted it to be special for everyone else too, but didn't so much know how to do that, but it all starts with a tree, doesn't it.

Robert and I had our first Christmas together in 2000. It was the saddest Christmas; I had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer on Dec. 21 and besides that, Robert was really struggling with having Christmas without his children. I would often catch him with tears in his eyes as he would remember something Liz or one of the other kids would do on Christmas morning. It was really so sad. The other thing I remember vividly about that Christmas was that Alexander had had a Christmas Bazaar at school, I had given him about $20 to buy presents for everyone. I remember he got Robert (his brand new dad) a little, black, plastic watch. He got grandma a pretty pink rug for her bathroom, I got a candle and then the rest of the presents were for the baby. Baby? Yes, for the baby. Since mommy got married there must be a baby coming right? First, you get married, then you have a baby and then more babies. He got the babies lots of little presents. It was so sweet and it broke my heart too as I had just been diagnosed with cancer and was pretty sure our dreams of babies was gone. Well, that was our first Christmas.

The next year we bought the most beautiful, artificial tree at Sam's Club. A nine-footer, pre-lit, tall and gorgeous. Every year I have loved that tree. Every year Robert has dreaded lugging it up and putting it together because it was huge and heavy and difficult to put together - but he did it for me and I loved it. Well, this year we have a problem in our little house -- 7 feet ceilings! We were forced to buy another tree. Well, my superhero husband got up at 4am on Black Friday (or whatever they call the day after Thanksgiving) and stood in line at Sear's and got us this beautiful little tree for $100 - wow. It is a $300 tree too - we are so thrilled. The pictures are a little blurry, but you get the idea.

That is Alexander on the right, Max way in the back, he is the present handerouter, Rosie, riding her new horsey and that is Ethan (aged 5) peeking out on the left. Look at the loads of presents; we did have presents for 16 people though so it isn't really as disgusting as it looks!
Here you can see the grandkids better- that is Sade aged 8 (it is pronounced with a long "a") and Ethan and Rosie and Max still looking for gifts. The kids were all so patient.
Here you get a glimpse of Erin, Stewart's wife. She is the most amazing woman. She has three boys and her littlest one, Drew, who just turned one, doesn't seem to ever sleep. I have no idea how Erin got up each morning, especially on Christmas morning - I think she'd only had about 2 hours sleep. But we just love her, she is so upbeat and a great wife, mother, and a totally righteous daughter of God.
Here is my mom and that is Daniel on the right. If you see the ball game in the forefront of the picture - that was a little gift we got for Drew, but boy did Rosie want it. She never let the poor boy play with it and she was constantly keep her toys away from him and trying to steal his toys. Poor little guy had no idea what was going on. We weren't really expecting it either, since we don't really have any opportunities for her to learn to share, we were a little surprised by the whole experience.
Here is a better shot of Erin and Drew. Drew is just about as smiley as can be. He is like a little bulldozer - just going where he wants when he wants and getting very upset by any obstacles along the way. He is very attached to mommy and daddy, which we discovered when we tried to babysit for about 2 hours! But when with his parents he is just laughing at them and making the sweetest faces!

Scott gets the fun going in the backyard...

2008-01-11T20:21:00.000+01:00

Scott is Robert's 20something son. We just adore him. He comes by once in a while with his really pretty and sweet girlfriend. He lives about an hour from us. Whenever he comes over all the kids and the dog climb all over him but he doesn't really seem to mind or he's a great actor. But he spent a lot of time in the backyard with them and they all had such a blast, Robert finally came in and got the video recorder - I wish he'd got more shots because I was unable to get out there. Unfortunately, there are a bunch of steps to get into our backyard, but I don't care because it is such a great yard for our kids and dog. Wow! We are so blessed.

Rosie's Antics...

2008-01-11T19:13:00.000+01:00

This is Christmas Eve Day in our backyard. Scott was outside playing with Rosie and made her a nice path through the leaves - boy did she have a blast. Just look at that face!!

You may notice we missed the White Christmas - just leaves. It was actually pretty warm the whole week, which was nice for the sightseers I guess!

Another cute photo

2007-12-23T00:42:00.000+01:00

We had a bunch of family arrive today and though I'm a bit depressed that my dad and stepmom couldn't make it, (it was last minute, my Dad's sciatica is acting up and he is in a lot of pain)-- it is just so fun to have everyone here. Robert's two oldest sons came; Scott who is early 20's came today with his girlfriend whom we all really like - he lives close by so we do get to see him pretty often. And Stewart came with his wife Erin and cute, cutest 3 little boys - they live in FL where he is in the Air Force. We don't get to see them too often so we are all so excited to have them here --- the boys are having a blast, even though our boys are much older, they still have such a great time playing with their "nephews". Wow. We have A LOT of presents under our tree. I'll take a picture tomorrow so you can see. It is pretty obscene with all our presents and all Stew and Erin's. Oh well, I promised my husband that we would never have so many gifts again, but I can't wait for Christmas morning, I hope everyone loves their stuff.

Vist to Santa

2007-12-19T18:23:00.000+01:00

The Beautiful Baxter Children!

We went to the Mall to get our picture with Santa. I was worried Rosie might be scared, but, of course, she wasn't. It was too funny because the lady kept try to get her to smile, but instead of smiling, Rosie just mimicked her. In this shot, the lady is clapping to try to get Rosie to smile (kinda weird when you think about it), so Rosie just started clapping too. Well, mom thought that was too cute so this is the shot I took! I am just so proud of all 4 of my children. They are gifts from God and each one is so, so different and has his or her own skills, talents and gifts. That is what you really learn when you have more than one child. It has helped me to appreciate the diversity of God's children (and my own) and maybe to understand a little more the way He works and why.

What would I do without the child who can run quick and catch the dog? What would I do without the child who knows where everything is? How could I survive without the child who can comfort me? What about the child who can make me laugh no matter how bad things are or how much pain I'm in? What about my little one who is so smart he can figure anything out? Or the one who can put anything together that is broken? What about the one who loves to cuddle with me still, even though he's almost grown up. This stuff never occurred to me before, when I had one child. Don't get me wrong - when it was just me and Alexander, life was divine and we were exquisitly happy, I've just learned so much and grown so much and I rejoice in my children and thank God for them everyday!

First Snow

2007-12-18T03:23:00.000+01:00

This is Rosie's favorite way to spend time - hanging around on Daddy's back. If Daddy is too, too busy or not around, she will ride around on one of the boys or even on my mom. She will stay on Robert's back for an hour while he is doing something - she loves it. These pictures are in the wrong order chronologically, but this was our first (and only so far) snow. We got it around the beg. of December and it actually stuck for a day or two. Rosie and Shasta (the dog) played outside for a long time - she thought it was quite exciting until she came inside and said her fingers were "hot" -poor thing was frozen, but she had a blast.

My ever diligent mother outside cleaning up before things got slippery. Look how pretty the trees look in the background- my own little forest - I love it. The boys played outside for a long, long time, but by then, I was too cold and tired to take any more photos. Darn - I'll get more next time.
Shasta is always nearby Rosie. They play chase and tag and when Rosie sleeps, Shasta usually curls up either nearby or practically on top of Rosie! They are pretty bonded but also jealous of each other. Rosie will push Shasta away and whine and cry if Shasta sits too close to me. Ah, tis sweet to be loved.

Halloween, if a bit belated..

2007-12-18T03:21:00.000+01:00

The boys made their own costumes. I took my wheelchair and hit the door to door with them, but I wore out quickly. Rosie lasted the longest. What a great concept- begging for candy - she loved it!

A Few Pix...

2007-12-18T02:45:00.001+01:00

Rosie taking her bath in the kitchen sink while she finger paints. Max's 12th Birthday on October 26th. My good mother made the cake for me.
Carving Pumpkins Baxter style; with plenty of mess! Rosie always catches on right away!
Our Jack O Lanterns.
Rosie was a ladybug for Halloween - she picked the costume herself.

Christmas....

2007-12-17T21:55:00.000+01:00

I am so excited for Christmas this year!! I have been feeling pretty good the last 4 or 5 days and I get a week off of chemo so I have every reason to believe I will have a good Christmas and I"m excited about it.

We had promised (or I had promised Robert) that we would be very, very low key this year with money, since things are tough financially and we've incurred huge amounts of debt with our move and the medical stuff and buying a house etc etc. Robert has been very concerned of course, so have I, but I just felt such an urgency to make this a Christmas my boys would remember and maybe Rosie too - at least through pictures.

We are going to have quite a few guests - Robert's son, Stewart, is coming up from Florida with his wife Erin and their 3 beautiful little boys and his other son Scott (single) will come and my Dad and Stepmom are coming. It will be the first time we will have a family gathering besides my mom for Christmas and I think it will help to make it very memorable for my children.

I continue to have these thoughts going through my head that this will be my best, or "healthiest" Christmas so I have to make it good. With that in mind, I've gone way over budget, thereby stressing my poor husband out. But I do promise and swear to make it up in the New Year. That is going to be my resolution; to point all efforts to getting our debt paid off.

Today we got a little Christmas package from one of my dearest friends and she sent us $300 -- The money she and her husband would have spent on each other for Christmas. Can you imagine? When I say that I have amazing friends, I'm not kidding! Anyway, just when my husband was feeling so low and worried, we got this check out of the blue. Thank you to W&S - you are remarkable people. Also, all my other friends who've sent notes and prayers and meals, you too take my breath away with your love and generosity. We are so blessed!! I pray that you all have the Spirit with you in your homes as you celebrate Christmas and spend time with your loved ones.

Sweet Land of Liberty...

2007-12-13T18:47:00.000+01:00

I don't blog much about my country, but I sure do love America, I love all the people who serve her too - Govt. employees, local, fed etc. Postman and DMV workers and garbage pickup guys. My heart lies with our military though. I worked from 1986 to 1991 in Germany while I was going to school. I was a tour guide and mostly took military personnel and their families on trips around Europe. It was a hard job and one for a young, very in shape person, but I loved it. I loved the people who serve. Not all of them start out in the military for totally patriotic reasons, but that is okay because they are making America a better place. What I have found though is that they always develop a love for our country, especially those serving overseas.

I've been All over the world and seen such mysteries and such beauties. Exotic places and peaceful places and places where true miracles have occured. So much beauty the Lord has created for us to enjoy, but I must say, there is just no place like America and I for one and glad to be home. It isn't perfect here, but we all have a chance to make it a better place. I have to share this poem with you. My good friend forwarded it to me so you may have already seen it, but it is just so beautiful, I had to share it. Keep it in mind, remember them. I have friends who are serving now, one is the son of a good friend, one is an e-friend whose son just got home from serving in Iraq, one is a career man who is getting ready to retire after a life of serving our country and serving deligently in our church I might add. God Bless you all, I love you for all you have done for me and for my family and I am so happy for those of you who can be with family this Christmas and I pray for those of you who aren't.

Please read on.....
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,Transforming the yard to a winter delight.The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,And I crept to the door just to see who was near.Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

'What are you doing?' I asked without fear,'Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!'

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..To the window that danced with a warm fire's light

Then he sighed and he said 'Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night.' '
It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,'
Then he sighed, 'That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.'
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam ',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,The red, white, and blue... an American flag.

I can live through the cold and the being alone,Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother.. Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.
''So go back inside,' he said, 'harbor no fright,Your family is waiting and I'll be all right.'

'But isn't there something I can do, at the least,'Give you money,' I asked, 'or prepare you a feast?It seems all too little for all that you've done,For being away from your wife and your son.'
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
'Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.'

LCDR Jeff Giles, SC, USN30th Naval Construction RegimentOIC, Logistics Cell OneAl Taqqadum , Iraq

Footprints in the Sand

2007-12-06T00:08:00.000+01:00

Most people have probably read this poem before, but it is so beautiful and I think it is a good reminder during the holidays when we get so silly and stressed out when all we are supposed to be doing is thinking about family and the Lord and REJOICING.

Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

First Snow!!

2007-12-05T20:40:00.000+01:00

We got our first sprinkling today and it is so beautiful! Daniel and Alexander and Rosie played outside for about an hour- it was so fun to watch Rosie in snow for the first time. She kept her mittens on after she tried playing without them for a minute. I wish I could go outside and play with them, but I'm hoping that time will come soon. When she came back in, my mom put her right into the bath - she was saying her hands were "hot" and seemed very confused by that. She stayed in the bath an hour!

I want to thank everyone for their well wishes and prayers on my second surgery. I am doing really great this time and recovery better than the first time - probably because I didn't break the hip first! I am feeling pretty good and am mostly in my wheelchair but getting around well with my walker and can go very short distances on my own- I wobble like donald duck's grandma but I didn't walk too much better before I broke my hip; due to all the tumors in my hips/legs I still waddled and walked very poorly.

I am having one problem with my left leg (first surgery, with the broken hip), the nail, which attaches the rod to the hip bone is slightly coming out. It isn't such a big deal medically, but it is very painful, especially when I first stand or try to sit down/get up. After seeing the oncologist,surgeon last week, he said we'd wait till after the holidays (thank you!!) and then we may have to look at replacing the nail. Oh, how I dread going back to surgery and the hospital. Oh well, whatever it takes.

Other than that, things are going really well, we are still getting unpacked, but reaching the end. All the kids seem to be doing great and we are so excited by the beauty of this first snow. Well, everyone but Robert is excited; it took him 2 hours to get to work this morning.

Rosie is starting to talk lots. She babbles to fill in between words and there are lots of words that she can't say. LIke, she says "mo" instead of "no". A lot of people send their chinese children to speech therapists and I guess we may have to look at that, but with all we have going on, I'll wait till I'm teaching her to read and see how it manifests at that time.

Copper. You may remember that we adopted a sweet and really wonderful dog named Copper. The boys bonded with him instantly, expecially Alexander who seemed to really fall in love with him and attach to him more than I've ever seen from Alexander. We'd had him about 5 days when I went into surgery. I came out of surgery and Robert (oh, my wonderful and dedicated husband) was at my side when I awoke. I asked him to call home and make sure all was okay and tell them that I was out of the anesthetic and feeling fine. He went over to the phone and was looking very distressed, turning his back to me, speaking low etc. I knew immediately it had to be something with Copper. I was just praying he hadn't escaped, gotten run over by a car or some other miserable thing. Robert came back and told me that my mom and the kids were on their way out and my mom had to run back upstairs to get something. In that split second, Rosie let the dogs out and followed them outside. Alexander went to look for her and found Copper, with his mouth firmly planted around her legs, dragging her across the back yard. Alexander was out in a flash and got the baby- it wasn't a big deal to Copper - he was just playing, but Rosie was full of mud and had obviously been dragged quite far. To shorten it up, we had to give Copper back. It broke our hearts, we were shocked how much we loved him so quickly. He is such a good, good, dog. Well, except for the eating babies part. I just couldn't take the risk. Anyway, it was so traumatic and emotional I haven't even thought about another dog yet and Alexander has said he doesn't want one. I will have to think on it and pray on it and see what would be best for the whole family and for Shasta.

Well, I"ve rambled enough, just needed to update since my last surgery and give love and thanks to you all. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers so much!!

More Angels...

2007-12-05T20:36:00.000+01:00

My dear friend just sent this to me and I have to share it with you all if you haven't seen it yet. It hits hard especially since I just lost my own dear dog. Love to you all..

This is one of the kindest things I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a beautiful soul working in the dead letter office of the US Postal Service.

Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God, Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick. I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her. You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love, Meredith.

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, "To Meredith , " in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, "When a Pet Dies." Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope.

On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith, Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by. Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I'm easy to find, I am wherever there is love. Love, God

Autumn or Fall

2007-11-14T01:45:00.000+01:00

Well, as the colors slowly change, things start to feel new again. It has been a hard time missing my Hercules and we have felt so empty around here. We couldn't take it anymore and went down to one of the lost dog/ rescue places and got ourselves an old hound dog. Actually, he is a new hound dog - only 1 1/2 yrs old and quite a cutey. His name is Copper and he has helped lift our spirits quite a bit.

I am now getting ready to go for surgery in the morning. They are going to replace my other hip/femur with another big steel rod. The Bionic Woman! I am so not looking forward to leaving to the hospital for another week or whatever it will be. It is so hard to be away from everyone for so long. I am going to take my scriptures and try my hardest to stay connected.

I haven't been to church in over a month - 5 weeks I think. I have never done that before and it does feel so lonely. Of course, I know the Lord is with me wherever I am, but it just feels like when we go to church its our special meeting place and He's expecting me....anyway, I just miss church and all the sisters there.

So many people have written me little notes and I thank you for thinking of us and keeping us in your prayers. I do believe that you all are praying me alive. I do. Sometimes, when I do feel weak or sick and tired, I can feel the Lord taking pity on me and carrying me along for a while. Thank you all so much for interceeding on my behalf - He does listen.

trials, tribulations, and enduring to the end...

2007-10-30T17:45:00.000+01:00

Well, I haven't posted in so very long. I just haven't known where to start. My dad and Sandy (my stepmom who isn't stepish at all but more like a 2nd mom) have been here to visit several times and my mom, who is living with us for a year or so, has been serving my family like some sort of an indentured servant, dear, dear people from our new ward (church) have been bringing us meals and lending us things to make life easier. My Nana and Ken have been here for nearly 2 weeks, they have been doing all sorts of odds and ends to help out and my Nana even sewed me the most beautiful curtains for the front door. We have again learned so much from the examples of others and it humbles us and warms us at the same time. We are also so appreciative that people are willing to share their time and talents with us.

I had been responding pretty well to the chemotherapy and went on Oct. 5th for an MRI and a CT to check on the tumors. They didn't show much positive on the bone tumors, but they showed a significant decrease in the size of the tumors in my liver and in my lymph nodes. This was just such a miracle. The doctors were esctatic - the purpose of the chemo is to stop or slow down the growth of the tumors but they don't really expect them to get smaller!! We just felt so thrilled and blessed.

However, around the 3rd of Oct, I started having a strange and very uncomfortable pain in my left leg, thigh and hip. It hurt quite a bit. In the evening of Sat 13th, I was coming up to the top of the stairs and I heard a terrible SNAP in my leg-- followed by excruciating PAIN. I screamed and screamed at the top of my lungs and all my children/dogs/mom/Robert gathered around me but I couldn't catch my breath, nor even explain what had happened. It was so awful. My mom called the ambulance (again) and off I went. Leaving, my poor children on the porch behind me, waving and crying and saying good-bye. I don't want to be melodramatic, but what a sad moment in my life. You never want your children to have to be worried or scared about you...you are supposed to keep them safe from harm and fear; right?

Anyway, I fractured my hip. On Sunday I had surgery, something they call pinning. I found out later that it wasn't really the right procedure for me to have. Pinning is placing long, metal pins into the bones and depends upon the bones healing so the Pins can support the bones and actually take some of the weight of the bones. Well, my surgeon wasn't an oncologist so he didn't realize that my poor tumor riddled bones are not going to heal. So, it turns out this is only going to be a temporary measure.

We got some more pictures taken of my innards and it looks like the right hip could crack at any time, so they are going to ahead and PIN that one together too. After the left leg gives out, they will go ahead and do a total hip replacement surgery. Don't ask me why they do it this way, but I figure they (these specialist surgeon types) get paged huge, enormous amounts of money to figure this stuff out so it must be right.....right?

On top of all this mental and physical pain, we had another passing that has left us sad and empty. My dearest Hercules; cuddlemate, confidant, protector, and greatest listener and most patient friend - my Hercules who never judged me and loved me no matter what I did or how I looked--My Hercules, my dog....has left into the night. He had some sort of a stroke on Sunday, October 28th. I haven't told anyone about this yet because it is too painful to speak about--I didn't even tell Nana and Ken about it though they were here till Monday morning--I just didn't want to bring it up. We have all been affected by his passing and there has been a sadness in the house that can only be lessened by time and the filling in of good memories. Shasta (dog number 2, aged 3 yrs) is having a hard time and spends a lot of time just lying next to me, depressed and lythargic. The first night, Max woke up several times during the night saying that he couldn't sleep without Hercules. It wrenches at my guts for my children to be in so much pain, especially because I feel like concentrating on my pain! But, together we will get through this and find a special place in our hearts for Hercules. My Dad and Sandy bought a memorial rock for us to put in the back yard- it is a hunk of black and white granite, unfinished, which we put in the little hole in the backyard which was Hercule's favorite place to lie down. How we all love him.

Better times are surely ahead!

Touched by Angels

2007-08-17T15:10:00.003+02:00

I can't remember what I've posted in the past, but the chemo I was on (Xeloda) did not work for me at all. We wasted several weeks with it and I was sick and in the hospital with all the side effects. I'll spare the details but it was bad.

Yesterday, I started some new stuff and so far I don't feel anywhere near as bad as with the xeloda. A little weak and shaking this morning and my bones are killing me but no other bad effects yet.

When I was at the hospital yesterday, one of the nurses came by with sandwhiches - of course they all had meat in them (I'm vegetarian) and I politely declined although I was thinking I better get something in my tummy before dumping all that med into it.

The nurse came back a few minutes later with a portion of eggplant parmasiana that the kitchen had sent up for the nurses - she brought a roll for me too. I was so grateful and as I lay there for 6 hours I kept thinking of all the angels that have pulled me through life's trials. The other day I was thanking all my friends in Germany and Austria and all my family, how can I mention everyone??

A certain friend comes to mind; Dawnella - I've posted often about her, she isthe one who threw me the baby shower. What was so wild about that baby shower was that I hardly knew anyone there. Not only were we new to our ward (congregation), but Dawnella invited a bunch of sisters from her ward whom I'd never met!! Recently she told me that all those sisters (whom I only just barely know or have met only once or even not at all) are praying for me. My stranger angels - certainly the Lord will hear their prayers. I know I have. There have been times when I felt like giving up but it could have only been all your prayers that pulled me through. How I love you all and how blessed I am to know that kind of love - how many people get that opportunity?

I hear that the sister's children pray for me too - I'm sure nothing could be more important than the prayers of your little ones.

A Brighter View

2007-08-17T15:10:00.002+02:00

I have to apologize for my last post. I was in a dark place and overwhelmed that morning and mostly just posted to try to vent my feelings and put them "on paper" hoping they would leave my head.

It worked though and I'm feeling much better. Much better. I decided that I need to refocus and not waste another moment feeling sorry for myself. I have so much to do, so much to teach my children, so much love I have to show my husband, so many mistakes to make up for!

I have decided that if my love were pure, like the pure love of Christ, I would only want what would make my husband happy - I would truly want what is best for my husband, for my children and I need to stop thinking about the future and pay more attention to the here and now.

I'm sure my resolve will wax and wane but for now I'm feeling pretty positive. There are people in my conidition with my dx who have survived 10+ yrs so that is what I'm shooting for!

I have so much support; my mom has been reassigned to Washington D.C. for a year so she is going to live with us for a whole year and take care of me and help us. Of course she needs to work but she can get sick leave etc for emergencies. My dad and stepmom are here right now helping us get our new house fixed up so we can move in next week. We've been in a hotel for nearly 2 months now and it is getting so old.

I have had so many emails from friends and loved ones, thank you all so much. You can't imagine what your notes mean to me. A special thanks to all my sisters in Frankfurt. We were only there for one year and I didn't have a chance to make friends. Part of that was just because I didn't participate much due to pain and feeling lousy and part was because I was homeschooling and didn't have much time. But you have all really come through for me - the members from our ward, sending me notes, praying for me, sending your love. I was just crying with appreciation this morning, so grateful for your prayers - you are such righteous women and I know the Lord hears you.

I went to church here yesterday and it is the same thing again - trying to fit into a new ward. But the Sacrament meeting was so wonderful, the spirit was strong and one of the families did a musical number that was so beautiful. It helped me so much, I felt my strength wiggling and stretching and trying to grow and I am so grateful -so grateful.

Also, my sisters in Vienna - I have felt your prayers too and read your notes and could almost feel your hugs and tears. You have embraced me with your words and love and it helps me get up in the morning and start the next day.

Family, friends, love, strength in trials...thats what its all about. I have the most wonderful family. I'm so blessed to have my grandparents still alive, to have extended family on Robert's side and on my side...my cousin, my nana, my aunt, my parents, siblings,even friends of my relatives whom I barely know (Myrna, Leslie, ) ....all praying for me, pulling for me, sending me love. It makes me ashamed of my last post. I know I'll never blow away as dust in the wind. You all make me real.

Why Me?

2007-08-17T15:10:00.001+02:00

I'm trying so hard not to ask this painful and pointless question. My faith isn't as strong as it used to be. Or, maybe I don't care so much about things eternal, about my work on the other side, about Heavenly Father's path for me-- I will get to see all these things much sooner than I want to so I guess it is hard to focus on them.

Why me?

If you don't really know me and my family, it would be so hard for you to imagine the perfection we have. We have worked so hard to build our eternal family, we have literally bled, sweat, and given every last dime over and over again to build up this wonderful family - for us - to the Lord-for eternity.
Alexander - no other boy like him exists; kind, loving, sensitive, funny, weird - he is me, but better and smarter. He is my blood, my life for the last 13 years. I can't separate him, the giant, not yet totally coordinated, computer nerd from the 3 yr old who kept his tiny hand safely in mine.

Max and Daniel- I put them together because we got them at the same time. Only 4 short years ago. I held them as they scratched the skin off their faces, I taught them English and explained a strange new world to them. I made them shed their old fears, taught them good behavior, struggled to bring them the gospel. I have tried so hard to help them fit in, so understand love and family.

Rosie - Please, I will lose it totally just thinking of her sweet face. I have given her my heart, she brings me such joy even in my pain. She makes us all laugh and bonds us together with the sweet mushy feeling we get in our hearts when watch her learn something new or mimic one of the boys, or try to bite her tic tac in half to share with daddy.

Robert - My husband, my love, the center of my universe. He loves me and has shown me love I didn't know existed. He loves me for real. He would give me the world if I asked. He repents, he forgives he is mine completely and I am his totally. He is my eternal companion; without him it just doesn't make any sense - it just couldn't be.

They are mine, all mine, right? I did this, right? I created this family, I brought us together, we are love and they are mine. My mother, my father, my in-laws, and grandparents - they are mine - how can they all survive without me?

I have to be there to hug my boys when they get their hearts broken the first time, to watch them marry, to hold my grandchildren. I have to teach Rosie about being a girl, a woman. I have to take care of my dogs - they need me too - I have always been there for them, they can't go on without me. What about my stepmom? We have had a special relationship for the last 30 yrs - she needs me too.

Is it possible I could move slowly to the next life and be gone? Could Robert remarry in a couple years and could I just become as dust? Who will remind the boys about the time Hercules passed gas in the car and we drew the attention of all the Austrians - no one else knows about that. Who will love them like I do? Could I just disappear? It hurts so much.

Yesterday at the cancer center I saw a miserable old man in a wheel chair. His face was pulled down in a permanent grimace; either from years of just being an awful person or maybe from the pain and disappointment this awful disease brings. His wife was a quite, humble, unassuming woman with an apologetic smile pasted to her face. He spoke terribly to her, "I told you not to touch the brakes (on the wheelchair) what the hell are you thinking" etc etc. I couldn't stand it. I wanted to jump up and ask her, "Was he always like this, or did the cancer do it to him?" Could I become that man? No way Holly, you say. But I've had my moments too- anger, totally displaced, ridiculous.

Why couldn't this be Robert? He would be so much stronger going through the cancer. And I would be so much stronger if he died. I would never remarry, never replace him. I could handle the children myself, but he could never be a single parent, never. He will find someone and she will replace me. She will take my husband, my children, my life, my work, my love and I will become dust, dust in the wind. I hope she reads this some day so she knows that no matter how hard it may seem sometimes, she has perfection.

It is just so hard.

We've Lost Her....

2007-08-17T15:10:00.000+02:00

I haven't posted in so long. So much has happened. In June, I was diagnosed with bone cancer. Actually, to be more acurate, the Breast Cancer is on the move again. I now have "metastisized Breast Cancer in my bones and liver". It is quite advanced. Prognosis not good - they give me 2 yrs w/ less than 20% making it 5 yrs. Though, they say that some have lived longer.

We are now back in the states and bought a home in Manassas and I'm deep into chemo/radiation world again. It is just so much scarier this time -- I had that elusive Hope before and that was what I held onto. Last time I was just so proud of my faith and this time, well, I'm weak.

To shorten it a bit, this has obviously caused us to lose Anastasia. I can't go into it - it is still too painful but I wanted to let you know what is happening. They (our agency) are going to be letting her know soon - as soon as we finish all the last paperwork.

It is so ironic - we should have our courtdate anyday now - how can it be?
Max is having a really hard time with this and has been acting up terribly.
Hold your loved ones close and don't miss a day.

Darla Dixon; Rosie

2007-06-28T17:19:00.000+02:00

I have been so fortunate to know so many wonderful artists. I try really hard not to be jealous of their talents, I know I have my own talents (like, hmm, I can sleep through an earthquake), but oh how I admire people who can create beauty from a lump of clay or a stick of charcoal, or those who can somehow twist metal and solder it and burn it to form something that melts my heart; or those who take a piece of wood or a hunk of marble and see an elephant or a graceful, running giraffe; or those who can take words and put them to melody with an instrument or their own voice till the tears run down my face. How Heavenly Father has blessed those people - they beautify the world with their talents and skills. A few years ago, I was introduced (virtually) to Darla Dixon http://www.darladixon.com/ who is a consumate artist. She drew a picture of Alexander from a photo and then, and this is so amazing, she did age regression pix of Daniel and Max - they are the only "baby pictures" we have of them and I love them so much. Well, to go with my set, she just drew Rosie. I'm so excited to get the actual picture, but for now, she emailed this to me....

Go to this link to see the pix Darla did of the boys:
(you have to scroll about 3/4 of the way down)
http://baxterfamilyvienna.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2005-01-01T00%3A00%3A00%2B01%3A00&updated-max=2006-01-01T00%3A00%3A00%2B01%3A00&max-results=31

New Link

2007-06-27T09:45:00.000+02:00

I added a new link today. It is my "Wish List". Why?, you may ask, would I want to start dreaming about gifts when I'm in the middle of so many goings on. Well, I guess I've just been thinking about Christmas coming up and wondering how we are going to handle it this year. Each year we downsize a litte more and it seems each year we add another child or two! Anyway, I've added a few things on this link that I really like (for me) or gifts that you may like for a loved one. I've just started it but will add fun things as I come across them or as you let me know about things you've found.

Weighty Matters

2007-06-15T14:22:00.001+02:00

I just have to post a quick note about how proud I am of my family. On May 7th, Alexander and I started on a pretty restrictive diet. Alexander has lost 10 pounds!! He has been faced with such amazing challenges and temptations, I am just so proud of him. We have been to so many dinners, bbqs, church activities etc in the last couple of months and he has resisted all temptations, sometimes he was even brought to tears, but he hung in there. I am jumping up and down with pride. Not only is he getting healthier, but he is learning about his own ability to control his passions - what wonderful things he is teaching himself.

Alexander's amazing success has inspired Robert to get on an exercise program and he is working out at 6am everyday. He has also cut his caloric intake in half and stopped snacking. This is the first time in his life that he has ever been able to "diet". He says he is inspired by Alexander.

I have to also say something about my skinny Daniel and Max; of course they can eat whatever they want, but I have stopped buying any junk so it isn't in the house for the other 3 of us and also I've had a few special things for Alexander to help him out like Crystal Lite, and some diet desserts -- the boys haven't complained one bit and they have been totally supportive.

I am so grateful for my family - they are just wonderful! Losing weight is SO HARD! If you don't have any extra - don't get any!

Anastasia

2007-06-15T14:04:00.000+02:00

I know, I haven't posted about Anastasia in such a long, long time. I guess I'm just feeling frustrated, or maybe I'm holding my breath and don't want to jinx anything. Sigh. It is actually all good news, but we had really thought we would have our court date in June, but no dice.

However...we have supplied every last thing that the Department of Education has asked for- for all of our extenuating circumstances. They have everything now and should be requesting "The Letter" from the Ministry of Education very soon. The process now is that the DOE requests a letter from the MOE stating that Anastasia has officially been removed from the Database and that she is available for us to adopt. After the DOE gets that letter (takes 2-4 weeks), then they will submit our dossier to the Courts for review. After the Courts review the info, they will give us the court date. There is usually a several week lead time on that too. Still, we could get the court date in August if everything goes smoothly, for which, of course, we are praying and praying.

I just sent Anastasia another letter letting her know Max won't be coming with us (for finanacial reasons). I also asked her to consider either changing her name or going by "Anastasia" or Ann or Annie. Or if she likes it, we could change it to "Nadia" which is still close to Nastia but is a bit more usual for Americans. However, I told her if she wants to continue to go by Nastia, we will support her fully. I just think that in a couple of years she won't be comfortable with Nastia anymore - just like Daniel came to hate "Dmitry" and Max never goes by Maxim. Well, whatever she decides is fine - we just want to get her home.

Now, we face the next problem. Our plan is for Robert, Rosie and I to go to Russia for the court date. Robert will be gone about 5 days. In Vladivostok there is a 10 day waiting period after the court date. I will have to stay there with Rosie and Anastasia for the 10 days but Robert will come home to the boys during that time. He will have to take off work. I will then have to take Anastasia to the U.S. to get her citizenship. It is going to be an awful long time for me to be away from the boys and I'm trying really hard not to freak out about it and keep an "eternal perspective", but I've never been away from them for more than a night. Also, we aren't sure that my mom will be able to stay with the boys while both Robert and I are gone. There are lots of logistics to still figure out but its hard to do when we don't have the court date yet.

Well, I'm trying to focus on the good news and know that it won't be long before Anastasia is at last at home where she belongs. All the seats at the dining room table will be filled...oh, I can't wait!

Funny Girl

2007-06-14T11:26:00.000+02:00

Rosie tries Nutella for the first time. She thinks it's pretty good. Step two: The Bath. She is doing more and more acrobatics in the tub; showing her native Chinese abilities to flex into virtually any position!

These handle bars come in handy for new tricks she is trying, but alas, taking a bath is a tiring affair and before long she passes out on the couch.
A few hours later it looks like she might be ready for round two?

THE GIFT

2007-06-13T11:54:00.000+02:00

Wow. We really got our socks knocked off today. I have posted before about Ms. Leslie - she is a friend of my Nana's. She heard about our quest to adopt Anastasia and decided to help in any way possible. She has done lots of things for us already and two years in a row now, she has involved her kindergarten classes in helping to raise money for us.

They really outdid themselves though. These are 5 year old children and they have pictures of Anastasia up in their classroom - Ms. Leslie has told them all about her and they decided they would like to help. They have been doing chores, making beds and I don't know what else, to raise money for us. This weekend, we opened a little box, with two checks in it, totaling $1000.00.

It brought tears to our eyes. We would have been overwhelmed it if were $50.00, because it is just the thought and work and love that went into it; but that they raised so much money, well, it just shows such a long term comittment from these little sweethearts.

If the truth be known, this money is heaven sent from these little angels. This battle has drained us financially and this huge amount of money will actually purchase tickets to Vladivostok - can you imagine?? There will be enough left over to buy treats for the children at the orphange too. Oh, how wonderful!! I have been praying that these children will be blessed for their love and generousity, but I think they've already been blessed with the greatest joy: Ms. Leslie for their teacher!

Here is a copy of the letter I sent the children. I hope Ms. Leslie will send a copy home with each child and I hope she gives them our blog address too so they can see pictures of us getting Anastasia. How wonderful to help total strangers!

June 9, 2007

Dear Ms. Leslie and Children and Parents of Ms. Leslie’s class,

The Baxter family has just received the most amazing gift and we wanted to write you a note right away and thank you for all of your efforts on our behalf and on the behalf of our sweet daughter, Anastasia.

Ms. Leslie probably has told you all about our little girl Anastasia and about our son, Max. Max has been waiting nearly 4 years to be with his sister again. The Russian government has made a lot of changes during this time and we have had to do a lot of different things to make sure they remember that we want our daughter. All of this work has cost a lot of money, but it doesn’t matter, we have always had faith that we would get our daughter and that somehow all of the problems would work out.

Now, we know we will get to go to Russia this summer and bring Anastasia home. Can you imagine how happy and excited we are? Sometimes, Max gets so excited to see his sister, that he even starts crying. We get to call Anastasia sometimes and she cries too because she wants to be home with us and she misses Max so much. But now, our family will have only tears of joy, because Max and Anastasia get to be together again! Anastasia gets to be in a home with a mom and a dad and a little sister and three brothers – she will be the luckiest girl ever!

We received your gift today and we just about fell over -- we were so surprised. We heard that you had been doing lots of work to help us and we are so touched that you are helping a little girl that you don’t even know. You are all very special children and you must have very special families to have helped us so very much. We would love to hear more about what you did to collect so much money for Anastasia – you all deserve a special thank you and we will be remembering you in our prayers.

We wish we could meet you all and tell you in person how much you have helped us. For now though, please remember that you were able to help make a change in a family’s life. Not many children your age get to learn that they are able to help someone so much, please don’t forget that, you will be able to do so much good in the world with the things you have learned this year. You helped a little girl get her brother back and get her Forever Family – that is a very special gift you have given her. You helped a boy get his sister back; he is just a little boy who misses his sister so very much and you helped to make him happy and excited. You have helped the whole Baxter family; at a time when we really needed help and we thank you so very much.

If you will send us your address or email address, we will send you pictures of Anastasia when we get back from Russia. That probably won’t be until September so you won’t be in Ms. Leslie’s class anymore, but we would love to send you some pictures so you can see her.

Love to you all,
Robert (Dad), Holly (Mom), Alexander (12), Max (11), Daniel (11) and Rosie (2)

hollywinters@hotmail.com

Pictures for Ms. Leslie's Class

2007-06-13T11:48:00.000+02:00

The boys made these signs and we took the pictures to send to Ms. Leslie's Class. It really impacted my children; seeing how much little kids can do to serve each other. If you can't read the signs, they say," Thank You Ms. Leslie's Class" "We Love You".

Ms. Leslie deserves Teacher of the Decade - she is just the most awesome lady, I wish Rosie could go to her class!

Rosie's Blessing

2007-06-12T23:27:00.000+02:00

Have you ever seen a greater looking bunch of guys?? Well, the girl is pretty adorable too!
This is my little Princess. She still looks fresh and beautiful even after 3 hours of spilling apple juice and drooling all over her dress (I think she's got some new teeth coming in).
Here she is with her "baby" (a giraffe) and her Dora Purse that she takes to church.
She finally got tired of the whole photo shoot thing and decided to just lay down. She is so funny.

Rosie had her blessing on June 4th. It is an informal ceremony we have at church and basically, she receives a Priesthood blessing from her father. It was beautiful though and she received many promises of a wonderful life. She looked like a little queen too and I want to share some of the pix. Below is a quick video clip Robert took after we got home. What a blessed, blessed woman I am!

A Few Words From Rosie

2007-06-12T23:21:00.001+02:00

My Lotus

2007-06-08T16:29:00.000+02:00

This is our very cool new toy. My Nana and Ken (my grandma and her hubby) sent us a cash gift (thank you so much) and we used part of it to purchase this Lotus Sanitizing System. I love it. The gift was a Baby Congrats gift but I figured Rosie has enough clothes and toys and this is something that will help keep our whole family healthy. In this day of reading about diseases like salmonella and all sorts of ugly bacterial things - I thought this a wise investment. It cleans fruits and veggies through ionization. It is so quick and easy. Wonderful.

Sealing

2007-05-27T23:58:00.001+02:00

Here are a few pictures of our beautiful children and family. Some of them came out too dark, but these are so cute! You can't really tell but Rosie is wearing a Silk Chinese Dress and she looks so pretty.
These pictures are taken inside the visitors center next to the temple. It was a beautiful day.

In an earlier post, I explained a little about our belief that Families are Forever. When children are born to two parents who are married in the temple (sealed for time and all eternity), they are automatically "sealed" to their parents. But, when a child is adopted he or she must be sealed to his or her parents. This is a simple and beautiful ceremony which involves a Priest saying a prayer much like in a wedding ceremony. The Sealing, however, is for eternity and not "until death do us part". We were blessed to be able to have Rosie sealed to us this Saturday, May 26th in the Frankfurt, Germany temple. Our dear friends the Carters came to Frankfurt to be apart of this special moment with us and they later took us out to dinner (what a wonderful day it was).

Contrary to popular belief, anyone can enter the temple as long as they are "worthy". This means they must have been members of our church for one year and they must be following the commandments and repenting to the best of their ability. Inside our temples we wear all white. It is a symbol of purity and I like that we all look the same and no one looks rich or poor etc.

Max and Daniel were sealed to us about a year after we adopted them. We wanted to wait for them to speak English and to agree that it was something they understood and wanted. With Rosie though, there was no reason to wait. I guess we will wait about a year with Anastasia too.

Rosie's Birthday

2007-05-27T23:41:00.000+02:00

Rosie and Daddy in their Dora hats. At this point, Rosie has no idea what is going on yet. It was fun because she and I went to the airport to pick my mom up and while we were gone Robert and the boys decorated the house and put the cake on the table etc. She was so surprised she just didn't know where to look.
Here they are - the Baxters minus me. Aren't they adorable? Those decorations hanging down are from Dora the Explorer.
Dora Cake. Not my best cake - that is for sure! Alexander kept saying she looks scarey. I couldn't get the hair and the eyes to look good. Where is my friend Donna the Cake Master when I need her?? Oh well, Rosie didn't care and the good news was that she did recognize Dora!
You can really see the psycho look in Dora's eyes in the shot. Weird looking. I am about done with Novelty cakes though. I've done a Basket Ball and a Batman for Daniel and I've done a Jack O Lantern and Pikachu for Max and I've done a Pikachu and a Spongebob for Alexander. They are so time consuming, the kids look at them for about 3 seconds and then they devour them. I think I'm sticking to cupcakes in the future!!

Here she is still looking slightly dazed. What a doll she is.

It was a lot of fun to watch her open her presents - she had a blast. I don't know why we don't have any photos of her opening presents? Well, she got several books, a little Cinderella "piano" (she loves music) and a leap pad for babies. I'm so glad my mom could be here. How is that for timing? She went to a conference in D.C. and was able to stop over in Frankfurt for one night - right on Rosie's bday. Perfect. I can't believe Rosie is 2 years old now and she has been with us for almost 4 months. Wow, what a wonderful life! Now, we just need our daughter from Russia.....

Life is so good...

2007-05-22T08:22:00.000+02:00

Max and Rosie snuggle up to watch T.V. Max is doing so well with school, I've just been so pleases with how he is rising to the challenge. He is having some behavior issues and I really think it stems from all the hassles with Anastasia. I don't think he really believes we'll get her and as we get closer and closer his behavior gets worse and worse. Don't get me wrong, he is a very good boy, but he likes to upset his brothers and this seems to be tied into his frustration about Anastasia. It will be interesting to see what happens when we finally get her. I think there is just so much going on with Max that we don't understand yet. Sigh. These little people come with a whole package in their heads and hearts and he definately has missing pieces which we hope can be filled by his sister.

Here is Rosie getting ready for church. I LOVE this dress - it is a hand me down from my sister-in-law and that just makes it so much more special. I love to imagine her daughters wearing it and now it is Rosies. I can't wait to meet my nieces.

Rosie is such a big help around the house and especially around the kitchen. She loves to do whatever I'm doing. She recently has discovered that doing the dishes can be quite fun!

This is Max's panda bear. My mom got it for him a few years ago. If you squeeze his belly, it makes little baby noises and moves it's arms. Rosie loves it and has adopted it as her own. Here she is again in her little wagon, being pulled around the house by the boys, her loyal subjects, here only to do her bidding!

Rosie likes to go into the cupboards and pull things out. She discovered a piece of Tupperware that suits her nicely. She fits perfectly into this little "boat" and then her subjects can pull her around in it or sing "Row, row, row your boat" with her!

May 21

2007-05-21T22:57:00.000+02:00

We had a wonderful, if short, visit from our friends the Skiliches. They were very close friends when we lived in Vienna and we miss them lots. They are metal sculptures and all around artists. They made this sculpture for us and I just love it so much. It is a Baxter Family Portrait. If you can tell - on the right is me with Rosie sitting on my lap and Robert is standing behind me. In front of me and to the far right is Anastasia (all three of us girls have skirts on) and on the left are Alexander, Max and Daniel. Isn't this awesome? The picture doesn't really do it justice though.

Sorry, didn't get this one turned right way up, but it is also a gift from the Skiliches. They made it out of horseshoe nails. I love giraffes and have a small collection of them so I just love this little guy. Rosie loves it too and has to give it a kiss everytime she walks by.

Rosie and Max in the living room. Rosie loves being pulled around in her little wagon. She also loves giving her "babies" (her little stuffed animals) a ride around the house.

Rosie hugging her lion. Actually, this lion has lived with Alexander for years, but somehow Rosie got it.

Alexander and Rosie watching T.V. She doesn't seem to have a problem with climbing on people or the dogs. She definately wants to do whatever the boys are doing and preferably, she wants to do it exactly like they are doing it!

A Friend...

2007-04-29T00:09:00.000+02:00

I've been so lucky to have a visit from a good friend of mine from VA. She didn't stay long but it was so good to have her here. We didn't do much because we are cramming to get school done so the boys can have a little summer vacation. We did go to this wonderful outdoor museum though.

It is an open air museum where you can view and visit different styles of houses from different regions in Germany. There are also lots of little museums you can visit and see how they made cheese, or wove wool or dyed wool or made brushes etc.

Unfortunately for my poor friend, she didn't get to see much because of my sweet animal crazy kids. We found horses and baby pigs and chickens and bunnies and donkeys and goats and sheep and baby goats and sheep and baby bunnies- how fun. We had such a blast and would have anyway but it was so wonderful to see Rosie seeing these creatures for the first time. She was just dumbfounded by the horses and wanted to follow them, she couldn't stop touching the sheep and wanted to touch and feed and play with everyone. It was so fun and we can't wait to take her again or to another petting zoo.

Well, I have to say that seeing Shannon made me homesick all over again. I miss my friends in Vienna and in Virginia - boo hoo. I do have a good friend here not more than 1/2 an hour away but somehow we don't get together too often. Maybe it is because she has 4 girls under the age of 6? I am sure I will make more good friends here too, but now that I'm homeschooling and have a baby, I don't really have time for meeting folks. It is okay, but I just have so many good, spiritual friends who uplift and inspire me; wow, I am so blessed, I miss having their companionship and conversation. Good friends are spiritual gold!

Well Baby Check Up

2007-04-28T23:59:00.000+02:00

Rosie finally went for her first check up. The doctor was impressed by her development and good health. She is still tiny, in fact we learned that she hasn't gained an ounce. She is still 19 pounds. She is almost in the 5th percentile. Yikes. But everything else checked out. She is meeting the milestones and plus she is cute as can be and smart on top of it! She fell asleep during our mini conference with the doc and then I learned she would need some more innoculations. Poor baby - she had to get 4 shots in the tops of her thighs. What a way to wake up. Alexander said, "You see? Thats why I never sleep during the day". Brother, what weird children I have.

Anyway, Rosie was very upset about the shots and I felt so bad, but as soon as it was over I picked her up and she stopped crying. She got 4 little bandaids on her legs and periodically throughout the day she would point to them and say, "ow wow wow" (her words for ouch).

She is saying lots of words now. They aren't all clear and maybe a stranger wouldn't understand, but we get most of them:

mom, dada, Maaax, Daniel, doggie, dogdog, bunbun (bunny), bottle, row, row, row, ur bow, she can sing almost all of twinkle, twinkle little star but she sings it like: ingka, ingka, ingka ingk, ingka, ingka, ingka ingk and it is so cute, diaper, hi, bye-bye, yes (that is such a nice change from shaking her head "no"), bird, mouth, head, ear, giraffe, zebra, hippo, and now instead of saying mama she says mommm; like the boys say Mom, but she really ennunciates so you can be sure to hear she is saying Mommmm and not mama.

She is so funny and has an inquisitive and outgoing personality. We are just beginning to see it as she opens up and develops her confidence. She has much less stranger fear and that is going to make her life much easier and better.

Happy Bday Daniel!

2007-04-28T23:49:00.000+02:00

Daniel turned 11. I am just so constantly amazed by him. He does not even remotely resemble the little boy we adopted 3 years ago. We are so proud of the effort he has made and the advances he has made. We are able to give him lots of freedom now and he can handle it; something I wasn't too sure of a year or so ago. This is the little boy who had a permanent smile pasted on his face unless he was throwing a terrifying fit of screaming and banging his head against the wall. We soon learned that the smile was a bad case of nerves and the head banging was only the beginning. It was a hard first year, but we are enjoying the blessings now.

He pretty much does homeschool on his own; he is so motivated and now he only comes to me with questions or clarification. He is pleasant and smart and tries hard to please us. He knows and loves the gospel and cares deeply about others. We are so grateful for him and for each of our boys - each one is so different and so special and unique; truly a testament of God's hand in all things.

It is funny though, now, both Max and Daniel are 11 years old. It creates a lot of problems for them because people assume they are twins though they look nothing alike. They always have to explain and they don't like that, but are getting better about it. We are teaching them to be proud of their heritage and that they are adopted, but it is still a long road!

Last Day in Pokrovka

2007-04-09T12:22:00.000+02:00

Robert flys out of Vlad on Tuesday morning. He had his last visit with Anastasia today. He said she was pretty tearful but that it was better than any of his previous visits. He had a few moments alone with her while the translator had to go take care of some paperwork. He dreaded it and didn't know what to do. Anastasia just stared at the ground the whole time. Finally, Robert said, "Let's practice your English."......."What is your name?" She just stared at the ground, finally after about two minutes she answered," My name is Nastia" Robert was so thrilled with his progress. Though she still never looked at him, it was the first time she had addressed him directly. My poor daughter! My poor husband!!

Some things Robert has been able to learn about her;

She loves basketball and volleyball but doesn't like soccer.
She really enjoys going to the church she has been attending.
She wants to be a doctor when she grows up.
She really misses Max and covers her face and crys uncontrollably whenever Robert mentions him.
She finally put on one of the pair of pants I sent - size 12 and they fit.
She has a really good friend named Sasha. This is the girl pictured by her side in most of the other pictures I've posted of her.
She doesn't know anything about her biological father or mother
Her favorite subject in school is Music; she doesn't play any instruments but she loves to sing.

Nobody has really been able to figure out what is behind her morose attitude. There are the obvious things; leaving her friends and all that is familiar, her anger at us for taking so long to get her, going to a foreign place and not being able to communicate, having to adjust to a new family, new rules, restrictions etc. All of these are obvious obstacles and fears, but Robert and the translator both seem to think there is something deeper. The social worker has promised to visit her often and try to find out what is going on.

I think she is a very sensitive and emotional girl and I also think that this friend who was previously adopted has probably told her some horror stories. I wish I could find out more about that.

I don't want to "trick" her though or make any false promises. The first year is tough. Incredibly tough and I told Robert to tell her that. It is a huge adjustment but he also told her about all the benefits of having a family and having people who love her. Finally, the director came in and asked Anastasia straight out if she wanted to be adopted and she said yes. Hurray. Hopefully, her fears won't catch up with her while she is waiting for us to come back. We got phone numbers and I will try to keep in touch with her during this long wait. Mostly, we need prayers, prayers, prayers!

more visits with Anastasia...

2007-04-09T00:06:00.000+02:00

Robert was able to visit with Anastasia on both Saturday and Sunday. It sounds like it has been depressing and exhausting. After 3 years of battle, I guess we felt such relief, maybe we secretly thought she would come running into our lives; grateful and happy to finally be with us.

It sounds like she is doing pretty well in some respects; she has lots of friends and has apparently been pretty active in an Evangelical church which is nearby the children's home. She is obviously angry/embarrassed/ overwhelmed and confused by Robert's arrival. She has yet to make eye-contact with him, address him directly or express any positive emotion. We did learn today that her 17 year old friend was adopted by Americans and she positively hated it. She was apparently suicicidal and insisted she be returned to the children's home in Russia and eventually her American parents agreed. Heaven only knows what she has told Anastasia - no wonder she is scared.

I feel confused and uncertain myself. My heart is aching for this frightened little girl who dreads leaving the only thing she knows. On the other hand, I feel awful for my poor husband who is trying so hard and getting nowhere. We are so grateful to have a good agency this time. Robert has nothing but glowing reports of all the help he is getting from the agency and the translator. This makes all the difference - it was so awful last time and it is just so much easier dealing with all the Russian ins and outs when we feel like we have people on our side.

I don't know whatelse to say or think. Anastasia has some time before she needs to decide. In about a month they will give her some paperwork to fill out and she must state that she wants to be adopted by us. She will also have to appear in court with us and tell that to the judge. We are just going to do all we can do and leave the rest in the Lord's hands. In the meantime, we sure are doing a lot of praying!

Max is a wreck over all this. It never occurred to him that she might not want to come. He is angry that dad didn't take him to Russia- he thinks that would have made all the difference - if only he could be there. We wanted to let him go but the money stuff is just so tight. Maybe he will be able to go for the second trip...who knows what can happen between now and then.

My mom leaves in the morning and we are all so sorry to see her go. She has really given me a break and I've been able to get some rest after all this crazy traveling. It has been so fun that she got to meet Rosie and get to know her a little bit. Rosie can say "grandma" now, it sounds kind of like "mra ma" but it is recognizable.

We are missing Robert like crazy (especially me) and can't wait for him to get home. Also, I forgot how tough life is without a car. Robert is pretty sure he can take this part he ordered, do some jiggling around and pray life back into our 96 Mercury Villager. I hope so too. We walked to church this morning and took the bus home. It was invigorating and good excersize, but I'd like to keep it a fun novelty!

Robert has one more visit with Anastasia tomorrow, Monday. Each day when he asks if she'd like to see him again, she always says yes so I'll take that as a good sign. Today, she was involved in an Easter production at the church she has been attending and Robert was able to go and see it. She did a dance. She loves to dance and sing and wants to be a doctor. If Robert got any good pictures, I'll post them when he gets back on Thursday.

Two Months with Rosie

2007-04-06T23:02:00.000+02:00

It has been two months yesterday. It feels like she's been a part of our lives forever. She brings us so much joy and laughter and she has created a new softness in our home. We have all felt the angels that follow her and brighten our lives.

She has made lots of advances too. She no longer holds her arms out for balance and she is not a bit afraid of the dogs anymore. She helps me do everything. She can get the dishwasher soap out and put it in the dishwasher. If I drip water on the floor she will get something to wipe it up with. If I brush my teeth, she brushes her teeth. She learns everything so quickly and it is so much fun to show her how to do things. She loves books and that is a love I will nurture. We read lots to her. She can also entertain herself quite well which is great especially when I need to help the other children with school, she will just follow me around and get into their stuff as I help each one of them.

She loves music too and when we sing hymns she conducts with great feeling. She seems to understand everything. When we say "time to say a prayer" she bows her head and folds her arms and she already knows everything she is supposed to do in church. What a little genius!

We all love her so much. The other day Alexander said, "Sometimes I just like to sit and look at her." I couldn't agree more. Look at this picture, it just melts my heart. I miss Robert so much and can't wait till he gets home.

Rosie and Daddy taking a nap

First Contact

2007-04-06T22:52:00.000+02:00

Robert had his first meeting with Anastasia. I was sad but not too surprised to learn it didn't go too well.

Robert waited for her in the director's small office. Someone went to get her and brought her in (she didn't know what was going on) where she saw Robert, the director, the assistant director, our translator, the social worker and I don't know who else. She was pretty overwhelmed I guess.

I had sent some photos with him. Photos of all the kids, the house, the dogs etc. She didn't even recognize Max and said he looked so big and different. We made a little video for Robert to show her but he said she only got about 1/2 way through it and then just put her hands over her face and started to sob. She didn't make eye contact with him and just cried for the rest of the visit. I guess the social worker asked her if she still wanted to come live with us and she said she didn't know.

On the plus side the social worker said that in the past she has always been positive about coming to live with us and Robert's take on it is that she was just so overwhelmed and seeing Max on the video; speaking English, being grown up and obviously so totally a part of this family- it was just too much for her and she felt so alienated. I just felt my heart breaking as I was talking to him. My poor little girl. I should have been there. If there were anyway I could have been.....but I have all these kids here who need me. I hope she understands and can get past all the pain.

Robert is meeting with her again tomorrow - Saturday. He is going to take her out to lunch and out for ice cream or something like that. It will just be him and the translator and Anastasia. There will be much less pressure on her and hopefully he will get to talk to her this time. He said he didn't get to talk to her at all today because the social worker was holding her and talking to her and trying to comfort her the whole time. My poor husband.

This wasn't totally unexpected. In fact, it was a lot like our last visit three years ago. She was depressed and teary and didn't communicate much with us; especially when we were in the "visiting room". Once we got out and she was around her friends and away from the director's office she did loosen up a little. We could use lots of positive thoughts and prayers going Robert and Anastasia's way. I can't wait for my whole family to be all together.

YUCK!

2007-04-05T16:13:00.000+02:00

Rosie ate a piece of old, chewed gum she found on the airport floor. I just about lost it - how gross is that? Yuck. I just stopped paying attention for a second because a lady asked me where Rosie was from. Yuck. No more airports thats for sure.

It all started about 2 weeks ago. Robert and I found out we needed to go to Moscow to finish up some paperwork. I had to drive to Bonn twice to get our Russian visas. I came home with them Friday the 30th and that evening our car took its final puff and died. It has been very traumatic not to mention inconvenient for us. My mom came Friday night so she could watch the boys and dogs. Robert and I flew to Moscow on Monday (with Rosie) and Rosie and I flew back home on Wednesday night.

It really feels like we are getting close now. It was tough going through all the travel stuff alone with Rosie - she is definately doing the "independant 2's" thing now and she made several great escapes from me at Security, Customs and other crucial places. Exhausting! Anyway, totally worth it because we are getting close now.

Robert continued on to Vladivostok where he is finishing up some more paperwork and formalities we need before we can get a court date. He gets to go visit Anastasia tomorrow (Friday) - I sent a bunch of clothes, school supplies and candy with him so hopefully he will be well received. He is so nervous about the initial meeting - will she be angry with us for taking so long? Will she be her indifferent 12 year old self? Will she be curious? We just don't know what to expect after so long. Max is going nuts wishing he could be there but we just couldn't afford it. Everything is SO expensive we have to be really careful. Now that our car died we are praying for another miracle to direct us.....

Thank you everyone for your prayers and love - it works!

I will write tomorrow after Robert's visit with Anastasia.

Beautiful Children

2007-03-18T22:14:00.000+01:00

Here is Alexander looking very cool. He is developing a special relationship with Rosie. She often goes to him, even when she gets an "ow-ey" and is crying. It is so wonderful to see him so mature and able to take care of a baby. He took a bath with her yesterday (he wore his swimsuit) and they had such a great time. I don't know what else to hope for, these relationships between the children are just so wonderful. Alexander told me yesterday that he wishes he had grown up with his brothers. He feels like he missed so much. That is such a wonderful thing to say because I know they bug him a lot and the boys argue a lot and get on each other's nerves. They are now home all day together doing school so I guess that is normal. They also play a lot together though and I'm so grateful that Alexander is starting to see the true value of that. Here they are; the Fabulous Four. I love this picture. No mama could be more proud. Max and Daniel are learning so much about growing up in watching their little sister. They ask me so many questions about her development and they worry about her choking on things and they are constantly taking 'dangerous' things out of her hands. An incredible development is that these two boys have learned a little about unconditional love. It was something I just couldn't prove to them before. But, now they see that I love Rosie no matter what and they also can feel that she loves them just as they are, no matter what.

Okay. This is the bomb. I love this fabric, it is "China Doll" by Michael Miller. My mom made us a baby quilt using this fabric and I searched ebay and every fabric store I could find looking for more. Nothing. I get to China, go into this store (A Gift From China -- by the old US Consulate) and they have tons of stuff made out of this fabric. So, I got another quilt, this too, too cute outfit and the diaper bag. I love it and Rosie looks so adorable - and she matches her room!

Look at this sweet face. She is perfect. When I look at her I often think, what could I change to make her cuter or more beautiful and there just isn't a thing. She is now really understanding us too. She says, "Mama", "DaDa", "Dora" (the explorer), "DogDog" (Alexander's stuffed dog), "BackPack", "Bye-Bye" "All Gone", "Daniel", "Max" she hasn't got "Alexander" yet, but she understands so many phrases - it is miraculous.

More Beautiful Children

2007-03-18T22:05:00.000+01:00

Rosie wearing the dress we got her in China. It is all white and we got it for the Temple. We will take her to the Temple to have her "sealed" to us. It is a wonderful ordinance through which we believe that families can be together forever. Literally, for eternity. When we had Max and Daniel sealed to us, the Priest who performed the ceremony told them that they were now just like our biological children. That was so fantastic for them and for us too. Now, they will get to go with us to the temple to watch this same promise being given to their sister. We are all so excited and think we will go when Robert gets back from Russia. The photographer really had to struggle to get any smiles out of her. Actually, I'm not sure how he did it. She is very suspicious of strangers and it takes her a long time to warm up to "newcomers". Especially when we had these photos done, mid-February, she still wasn't laughing/smiling all that much.

Mom and Rosie Daniel - I love this picture- this is just how he looks.
Max - I got a nice closeup shot of him too

Finally....an update

2007-03-18T21:50:00.000+01:00

We were having some techincal difficulties with the blog and then I just could never get a chance to get back on. Things are going so well around here. We are settled into our routine and Rosie is doing wonderfully. Homeschool is going well though the boys are still struggling now and again to keep focused and keep the routine going. But, I guess that is normal.

Rosie has developed some interesting likes and dislikes and we can really see her personality blossoming. She keeps us laughing and can be a bit of a clown sometimes, much to the endless delight of her brothers. She is doing much, much better with the dogs although she still doesn't care for it when they start barking right in her ear -- go figure.

We have some amazing news. Robert is traveling to Russia the first week of April to go see Anastasia. Since it has been so long since we saw her last, they are insisting that we "view" her before going for the final court date. Robert will be there about a week or so doing the preliminary paperwork and getting some short visits with Anastasia. Our agency thinks we should go back for our court date around the end of June. Our lives our changing so fast now and we are so grateful that the transition with Rosie has been such an easy one. We are quite sure that it won't be so easy for Anastasia. We are really excited about bringing her home and I'm going to get started fixing her room up right away. Yippee.

We are counting our blessings everyday.

We are home!

2007-02-23T15:40:00.000+01:00

Yeah! We are home. It seems like we have been gone forever and we are so grateful to be back. We are exhausted and Rosie is taking a little nap. We got home then went and picked up the dogs; it proved to be something of a nightmare as Rosie is terrified of them. She has obviously never seen a dog and she is just overwhelmed. We are praying that she will get used to them, but right now she is just so exhausted - it was just too much.

The rest of us however are so thrilled to see our dogs, we missed them so much. For some reason, I am unable to post photos, as soon as possible I will fix the problem and post some awesome photos that we got yesterday.

Yippee!! Homeward Bound!

2007-02-21T23:44:00.000+01:00

Another blessing for the Baxters. We are so thrilled and suprised to announce that the German Consulate turned over the paperwork at miraculous speeds and we picked up Rosie's visa today. On top of that, Robert called the airlines and we are able to get a flight tomorrow (Thursday) night. We are so happy. We are just exhausted and sick of being cramped in a little hotel room. We miss our routines and we really miss our dogs. We can't wait to get home.
We are so grateful all the good that comes into our lives--we are so grateful for our blessings.

Life is so good and we are all feeling more healthy now. Rosie continues to keep us in stitches and her smile makes us all go gooey. We can't wait till everyone knows her.

Rosie sees her first commercial!

2007-02-01T03:59:00.017+01:00

Rosie saw her first commercial, well the first one that she has understood. It was for some girlie toy, not sure which one, but there were little girls playing with girlie things. Rosie was so excited she got right up to the t.v. and started flapping her arms around and pointing at the t.v. and making her little monkey noises. It was so cute.

She also saw her first black people last night; the first ones I've noticed her noticing anyway. We were eating dinner but she was turned around in her high chair just staring at a black family a few tables away. It was kind of embarrasing, but I don't think they noticed. Brother, you just don't consider all the things she has never been exposed to.

We got our first full night of sleep last night and boy do we all feel much better. Also, we spent most of yesterday at the urgent care center and were all prescribed antibiotics, so I'm sure that is helping too. We have basically been in quarantine here in our dumpy little hotel room for the last 4 days; pretty unbearable for the boys - even if they don't feel so great. Anyway, we are thrilled to be on the road to recovery.

We have some wonderful news from our friends whom I've been posting about. I mentioned earlier that they decided to take a leap of faith and go home with their potentially seriously ill baby. Well, they got to LAX and got the miraculous news that she is not Hep C positive as had been marked in her medical records. We are so, so happy for them; it is another confirmation of Heavenly Father's love and grace and we are so grateful to have been a small part of their trial and subsequent miracle.

A bit of good news for us too; we were expecting a snafu with the paperwork this morning, but Robert was able to reach one of the ladies at work in Frankfurt and she went to great lengths to fax us the stuff we needed and we were able to turn in all our paperwork to the German Consulate this morning. What a relief. So far, so good. They say that it usually takes 5 days to process the visas but they noted that our travel date is on Saturday and said they would do their best to have it done by then. Oh, I do really hope so, I so much want to get home. We are praying that this part of the process goes smoothly.

We Made It

2007-02-01T03:59:00.016+01:00

We are in the States. yea. We love America. At the airport, it smelled so good and all the restrooms had toilets in them. What a great country we have. China was wonderful but there is no place like America.

Unfortunately, we are all sick. I have laryngitis and everyone has some stage of sore throat, congestion etc, though nothing as bad as Alexander had last week. We also all have terrible jet lag. It is 11pm and Rosie just woke up after sleeping all day; she is raring to go and alert and fully active.

We somehow drug ourselves to the passport agency this morning and got Rosie's passport. We only slept 3 hours last night, we are all in a fugue-like state which I hope gets better real quick!

There is some mess up with the paperwork for the German visa which we will have to take care of on Tuesday morning because of the holiday on Monday. We really hope we don't get delayed too much. We want to get home; I miss my dogs, my friends, and my own bed. I really want to get Rosie on a normal schedule; with waking up in the same place everday, eating in the same place everyday etc. She is doing great though, except for the jet lag.

We have great news about the family with the Hep C baby. They took a leap of faith, signed the paperwork and are on their way home to SLC. We are so happy for them; it doesn't mean their baby is out of the woods yet, but they got some good preliminary news and went forward with that. They couldn't really wait for the final results to make their decision because Chinese New Year is starting and everything closes down for a while. We are so happy for them. I really feel like they have been inspired by the Lord and that He has heard the many, many prayers on their behalf. We continue to pray for them and feel so happy that they return home with their family complete.

Rosie Throws a Fit!

2007-02-01T03:59:00.015+01:00

Well, it turns out she is a normal 2 year old afterall. She threw her first real temper tantrum today. She wanted to go in the back of the bus with the boys and I wouldn't let her. She was mad. Real mad. Yikes.

She has now discovered her brothers and she plans to do everything they do. Also, now that she is enjoying life so much, she has also decided she prefers not to go to bed. There are many things to do and see. Much to explore, plus, she often has to keep checking the toilet to see if anything is in there and if the water temperature is still okay in the bowl. Also, she has to make sure all the handles on the dressers are still in the up position. She has lots of work to do.

She is really getting picky about her food. Anything that doesn't meet her standard ends up on the floor. Interestingly enough, this food seems to be delicious if dicovered the next day under the bed or in a corner of the room somewhere.

Until today, she wouldn't wander far away from me, she would always be in hands reach, but now she likes to go running away gleefully swinging her arms for balance and chuckling all the time to herself about how clever she is. She tells lots of jokes and sings songs. Her favorite is now Patty Cake and she especially likes the part about "Marking it with a B for baby and me". I hope she never asks me what that means.

We leave China in the morning at 5:45 am. It is going to be a brutal day. 32 Hours from our hotel in GuangZhou to our hotel in Manassas. I am dreading it but oh so happy to be heading home. We leave our dear, new friends here to sort out what they are going to do about their sick baby whose test results come back on Friday. We so much wish we could fix everything for them. It is amazing how much you can come to care about people in such a short time. One of the people in our party is going to be arranging funds to help them, if anyone wants to contribute or help in any way, please contact me. Also, all prayers for Elainea will be most appreciated.

Our boys are actually quite sad to be breaking up from the other families. They have made wonderful friends with some of the other children in our group. Daniel especially is close to one of the boys his age and is so sad to be leaving him. Someday we hope to get to Alabama and catch up with them.

2007-02-01T03:59:00.014+01:00

Five of the Six Babies. Rosie is to the far left, then Ian, Audrey, Emma and Lian. Not everyone was crazy about participating for this picture, but I think it came out pretty nice.
Mommies and Babies. We got a little more co-ordinated this time. You see the pattern? Blue, purple, Boy, Purple, Blue. Cute, huh?
Rosie, preparing for her photo shoot.