Why Me?

I'm trying so hard not to ask this painful and pointless question. My faith isn't as strong as it used to be. Or, maybe I don't care so much about things eternal, about my work on the other side, about Heavenly Father's path for me-- I will get to see all these things much sooner than I want to so I guess it is hard to focus on them.

Why me?

If you don't really know me and my family, it would be so hard for you to imagine the perfection we have. We have worked so hard to build our eternal family, we have literally bled, sweat, and given every last dime over and over again to build up this wonderful family - for us - to the Lord-for eternity.
Alexander - no other boy like him exists; kind, loving, sensitive, funny, weird - he is me, but better and smarter. He is my blood, my life for the last 13 years. I can't separate him, the giant, not yet totally coordinated, computer nerd from the 3 yr old who kept his tiny hand safely in mine.

Max and Daniel- I put them together because we got them at the same time. Only 4 short years ago. I held them as they scratched the skin off their faces, I taught them English and explained a strange new world to them. I made them shed their old fears, taught them good behavior, struggled to bring them the gospel. I have tried so hard to help them fit in, so understand love and family.

Rosie - Please, I will lose it totally just thinking of her sweet face. I have given her my heart, she brings me such joy even in my pain. She makes us all laugh and bonds us together with the sweet mushy feeling we get in our hearts when watch her learn something new or mimic one of the boys, or try to bite her tic tac in half to share with daddy.

Robert - My husband, my love, the center of my universe. He loves me and has shown me love I didn't know existed. He loves me for real. He would give me the world if I asked. He repents, he forgives he is mine completely and I am his totally. He is my eternal companion; without him it just doesn't make any sense - it just couldn't be.

They are mine, all mine, right? I did this, right? I created this family, I brought us together, we are love and they are mine. My mother, my father, my in-laws, and grandparents - they are mine - how can they all survive without me?

I have to be there to hug my boys when they get their hearts broken the first time, to watch them marry, to hold my grandchildren. I have to teach Rosie about being a girl, a woman. I have to take care of my dogs - they need me too - I have always been there for them, they can't go on without me. What about my stepmom? We have had a special relationship for the last 30 yrs - she needs me too.

Is it possible I could move slowly to the next life and be gone? Could Robert remarry in a couple years and could I just become as dust? Who will remind the boys about the time Hercules passed gas in the car and we drew the attention of all the Austrians - no one else knows about that. Who will love them like I do? Could I just disappear? It hurts so much.

Yesterday at the cancer center I saw a miserable old man in a wheel chair. His face was pulled down in a permanent grimace; either from years of just being an awful person or maybe from the pain and disappointment this awful disease brings. His wife was a quite, humble, unassuming woman with an apologetic smile pasted to her face. He spoke terribly to her, "I told you not to touch the brakes (on the wheelchair) what the hell are you thinking" etc etc. I couldn't stand it. I wanted to jump up and ask her, "Was he always like this, or did the cancer do it to him?" Could I become that man? No way Holly, you say. But I've had my moments too- anger, totally displaced, ridiculous.

Why couldn't this be Robert? He would be so much stronger going through the cancer. And I would be so much stronger if he died. I would never remarry, never replace him. I could handle the children myself, but he could never be a single parent, never. He will find someone and she will replace me. She will take my husband, my children, my life, my work, my love and I will become dust, dust in the wind. I hope she reads this some day so she knows that no matter how hard it may seem sometimes, she has perfection.

It is just so hard.