Vacation

This was such a big deal. We could have never done this without 1) enough frequent flyers for everyone 2) the generousity of family who let us stay with them and 2 special family members who paid for us to stay in a hotel while in No. CA 3) The generosity of a sister/in-law who let us use her car the whole time we were in UT 4) The generosity of family who paid our entrance fee to many places, fed us, and did lots of things to relieve the financial pressure 5)The Walk-A - Thon my friends in Vienna held for me. The money really wasn't for us to take a vacation. It was for medical costs etc., but this trip went to my health and well-being and we did save a portion of those funds raised for us, to use for our trip. How can I thank all those people for helping us so much?? 6)A credit card ( I know that doesn't count as 'free', but sometimes 'deferment' is great too! Despite all of the help we had, we still ended up adding a big chunk to our CC, but there are times in life when we have to do important things and deal with the financial consequences later. I have no doubt this was one of those times.

Why was this trip so important? There are so many reasons on so many levels for me, but one of the things deep in my heart, was a desire for my children to see and be reminded of how much family they have, of how many people love them and are there for them and pray for them. Part of this was introducing them to my brother whom Alexander hasn't seen since he was 2. I haven't seen him since then either - 12 yrs! My brother now has two little girls - more Rosie's age, but the boys had a blast with them too and it was just such an enjoyable visit. I got to renew, reminice etc with my brother and his wife and I also got to know their children a little bit. It was important for the boys too - especially Alexander to get to know their Uncle. Up till now they've only had Uncles on Robert's side.

We also got to visit my other brother - stepbrother technically - in Las Vegas. I haven't seen him in 12 years either. He and his wife and 2 children (more the boys' ages) have just lived too far away whenever I come home to visit and it was so good to spend time with them and try to catch up on 12 years of comings and goings.

We got to see all our family except for one cousin on my side and two sisters on Roberts side (they are in other states). We saw children, grandchildren, parents, grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews etc and we even got to visit friends. (I'm just talking about my family and Robert's immediate family here - if we visited all of Robert's uncles and aunts and cousins it would take years!)

We had a little reunion with 3 of the families we traveled to China with. It was so fun to see their girls and how much they had changed in the year and a half since we got back with Rosie. Rosie was actually the most babyish of the group, with the other girls speaking quite a bit more than she does and she was the only one in diapers, but she is the youngest so we aren't too worried. It was great to get together with these families - we actually grew kind of close to them during those couple weeks in China-- maybe because it was such an exciting and emotional journy and we really shared our thoughts during that brief time, it was just wonderful to re-connect with them and see how they've grown by having these little Chinese princesses changing their lives.

We had a little downtime to swim in the pool in our hotel in St. George and my cousin met us there with her two daughters and that was a blast too - just hanging out in the pool and talking. In a way, I wish we could have done that everyday with everyone we visited, but it was just impossible. We needed to see everyone -- I had an almost compulsion or force driving me before we left and telling me that we needed to visit everyone. In retrospect, I feel part of this was my need to say "good-bye" to everyone. Before we left, I just knew I'd never be back West again. I knew that for most of those people, I'd never see them again. Afterall, the doctors only give me less than another year to live and that is what the statistics say too. After we'd leave each person or family, I'd feel an almost depression drape over me as I mentally said my final good-byes to them.

I don't want it to sound like I was depressed for the whole trip because I certainly wasn't. I had a great time. I was healthy and energetic every single day. I felt good and looked forward to each person we visited. It was just something I'd go through at every good-bye or even when we left Utah, it felt as if my heart were breaking - knowing I'd never be back, never see those mountains again or hug those people again. When we left California, my grandma and Ken came to say good-bye in the morning before we left for the airport. I lost it and just couldn't stop crying. I couldn't imagine never seeing them again. I couldn't imagine never being in my home town again. There are a lot of people I love in CA and that is where my roots are. It was really hard to leave with that feeling that it was my last visit.

I have to say that since we've arrived back in VA, I've had a 100% turn around. I've realized that I've focused too much on dying and just not enough on living. To be fair to myself (and Heaven knows I always want to be fair to myself) part of that was just being so sick and sleeping so much, of course, I'm going to focus on dying...it is hard to be positive when I'm vomitting all over the place. I am now trying to focus on being energetic, healing myself, even doing visualization - like envisioning the chemo knocking out those cancer cells. Living and focusing on life. I know I'll be back. Utah, California, who knows maybe even some other states out west. I do miss the west so much, the weather, the people, the lifestyle, our families. But, I now KNOW that I'll be back. I'm feeling better every day. The Reliv is helping, your prayers are helping, my family's love is helping, my friends are helping, my husband is always helping (o.k., technically he is family, but he deserves another mention), The Lord is always here for me.

It is complicated to explain probably because it is complicated to understand. So many people have this awful disease. So many die from it. Some do live though. Some live. Some live and even conquer cancer. Surely the Lord loves each one of His children equally, right? I guess that is how my ideas have kind of evolved to what I explained in my last post. The Lord Helps Those Who Help Themselves. I have decided that that is my job, my responsibility - to give thanks, to live life to the fullest, to enjoy, to serve and to show my gratitude, to take care of the temple He has given me. I must confess that after I had Breast Cancer the first time, I went right back to my evil ways - eating that which was not good for me, not exercizing enough, beyond that though -- inviting too much stress into my life, stressing over things that didn't need that level of my concern and attention, biting off more than I could chew, running faster than I could manage. Doing all the things that many of us do, but which we all know we shouldn't be doing. I'm not going to do it this time. Sure, I'm still going to have the occasional piece of cheesecake - otherwise I'd be violating the law about enjoying life, right?

Back to our vacation -- it was marvelous. The boys had a great time and Rosie had so much fun meeting all her cousins and getting to play with children everywhere we went. What could be better. Of course, it was sad that Max wasn't there, but I was at peace with the decisions we'd made and that he was in the place he needs to be so that next time we go out West, he can be with us and it can be a positive experience for him and for all of us too.