Friday, August 17, 2007

Touched by Angels

I can't remember what I've posted in the past, but the chemo I was on (Xeloda) did not work for me at all. We wasted several weeks with it and I was sick and in the hospital with all the side effects. I'll spare the details but it was bad.

Yesterday, I started some new stuff and so far I don't feel anywhere near as bad as with the xeloda. A little weak and shaking this morning and my bones are killing me but no other bad effects yet.

When I was at the hospital yesterday, one of the nurses came by with sandwhiches - of course they all had meat in them (I'm vegetarian) and I politely declined although I was thinking I better get something in my tummy before dumping all that med into it.

The nurse came back a few minutes later with a portion of eggplant parmasiana that the kitchen had sent up for the nurses - she brought a roll for me too. I was so grateful and as I lay there for 6 hours I kept thinking of all the angels that have pulled me through life's trials. The other day I was thanking all my friends in Germany and Austria and all my family, how can I mention everyone??

A certain friend comes to mind; Dawnella - I've posted often about her, she isthe one who threw me the baby shower. What was so wild about that baby shower was that I hardly knew anyone there. Not only were we new to our ward (congregation), but Dawnella invited a bunch of sisters from her ward whom I'd never met!! Recently she told me that all those sisters (whom I only just barely know or have met only once or even not at all) are praying for me. My stranger angels - certainly the Lord will hear their prayers. I know I have. There have been times when I felt like giving up but it could have only been all your prayers that pulled me through. How I love you all and how blessed I am to know that kind of love - how many people get that opportunity?

I hear that the sister's children pray for me too - I'm sure nothing could be more important than the prayers of your little ones.

A Brighter View

I have to apologize for my last post. I was in a dark place and overwhelmed that morning and mostly just posted to try to vent my feelings and put them "on paper" hoping they would leave my head.

It worked though and I'm feeling much better. Much better. I decided that I need to refocus and not waste another moment feeling sorry for myself. I have so much to do, so much to teach my children, so much love I have to show my husband, so many mistakes to make up for!

I have decided that if my love were pure, like the pure love of Christ, I would only want what would make my husband happy - I would truly want what is best for my husband, for my children and I need to stop thinking about the future and pay more attention to the here and now.

I'm sure my resolve will wax and wane but for now I'm feeling pretty positive. There are people in my conidition with my dx who have survived 10+ yrs so that is what I'm shooting for!

I have so much support; my mom has been reassigned to Washington D.C. for a year so she is going to live with us for a whole year and take care of me and help us. Of course she needs to work but she can get sick leave etc for emergencies. My dad and stepmom are here right now helping us get our new house fixed up so we can move in next week. We've been in a hotel for nearly 2 months now and it is getting so old.

I have had so many emails from friends and loved ones, thank you all so much. You can't imagine what your notes mean to me. A special thanks to all my sisters in Frankfurt. We were only there for one year and I didn't have a chance to make friends. Part of that was just because I didn't participate much due to pain and feeling lousy and part was because I was homeschooling and didn't have much time. But you have all really come through for me - the members from our ward, sending me notes, praying for me, sending your love. I was just crying with appreciation this morning, so grateful for your prayers - you are such righteous women and I know the Lord hears you.

I went to church here yesterday and it is the same thing again - trying to fit into a new ward. But the Sacrament meeting was so wonderful, the spirit was strong and one of the families did a musical number that was so beautiful. It helped me so much, I felt my strength wiggling and stretching and trying to grow and I am so grateful -so grateful.

Also, my sisters in Vienna - I have felt your prayers too and read your notes and could almost feel your hugs and tears. You have embraced me with your words and love and it helps me get up in the morning and start the next day.

Family, friends, love, strength in trials...thats what its all about. I have the most wonderful family. I'm so blessed to have my grandparents still alive, to have extended family on Robert's side and on my cousin, my nana, my aunt, my parents, siblings,even friends of my relatives whom I barely know (Myrna, Leslie, ) ....all praying for me, pulling for me, sending me love. It makes me ashamed of my last post. I know I'll never blow away as dust in the wind. You all make me real.

Why Me?

I'm trying so hard not to ask this painful and pointless question. My faith isn't as strong as it used to be. Or, maybe I don't care so much about things eternal, about my work on the other side, about Heavenly Father's path for me-- I will get to see all these things much sooner than I want to so I guess it is hard to focus on them.

Why me?

If you don't really know me and my family, it would be so hard for you to imagine the perfection we have. We have worked so hard to build our eternal family, we have literally bled, sweat, and given every last dime over and over again to build up this wonderful family - for us - to the Lord-for eternity.
Alexander - no other boy like him exists; kind, loving, sensitive, funny, weird - he is me, but better and smarter. He is my blood, my life for the last 13 years. I can't separate him, the giant, not yet totally coordinated, computer nerd from the 3 yr old who kept his tiny hand safely in mine.

Max and Daniel- I put them together because we got them at the same time. Only 4 short years ago. I held them as they scratched the skin off their faces, I taught them English and explained a strange new world to them. I made them shed their old fears, taught them good behavior, struggled to bring them the gospel. I have tried so hard to help them fit in, so understand love and family.

Rosie - Please, I will lose it totally just thinking of her sweet face. I have given her my heart, she brings me such joy even in my pain. She makes us all laugh and bonds us together with the sweet mushy feeling we get in our hearts when watch her learn something new or mimic one of the boys, or try to bite her tic tac in half to share with daddy.

Robert - My husband, my love, the center of my universe. He loves me and has shown me love I didn't know existed. He loves me for real. He would give me the world if I asked. He repents, he forgives he is mine completely and I am his totally. He is my eternal companion; without him it just doesn't make any sense - it just couldn't be.

They are mine, all mine, right? I did this, right? I created this family, I brought us together, we are love and they are mine. My mother, my father, my in-laws, and grandparents - they are mine - how can they all survive without me?

I have to be there to hug my boys when they get their hearts broken the first time, to watch them marry, to hold my grandchildren. I have to teach Rosie about being a girl, a woman. I have to take care of my dogs - they need me too - I have always been there for them, they can't go on without me. What about my stepmom? We have had a special relationship for the last 30 yrs - she needs me too.

Is it possible I could move slowly to the next life and be gone? Could Robert remarry in a couple years and could I just become as dust? Who will remind the boys about the time Hercules passed gas in the car and we drew the attention of all the Austrians - no one else knows about that. Who will love them like I do? Could I just disappear? It hurts so much.

Yesterday at the cancer center I saw a miserable old man in a wheel chair. His face was pulled down in a permanent grimace; either from years of just being an awful person or maybe from the pain and disappointment this awful disease brings. His wife was a quite, humble, unassuming woman with an apologetic smile pasted to her face. He spoke terribly to her, "I told you not to touch the brakes (on the wheelchair) what the hell are you thinking" etc etc. I couldn't stand it. I wanted to jump up and ask her, "Was he always like this, or did the cancer do it to him?" Could I become that man? No way Holly, you say. But I've had my moments too- anger, totally displaced, ridiculous.

Why couldn't this be Robert? He would be so much stronger going through the cancer. And I would be so much stronger if he died. I would never remarry, never replace him. I could handle the children myself, but he could never be a single parent, never. He will find someone and she will replace me. She will take my husband, my children, my life, my work, my love and I will become dust, dust in the wind. I hope she reads this some day so she knows that no matter how hard it may seem sometimes, she has perfection.

It is just so hard.

We've Lost Her....

I haven't posted in so long. So much has happened. In June, I was diagnosed with bone cancer. Actually, to be more acurate, the Breast Cancer is on the move again. I now have "metastisized Breast Cancer in my bones and liver". It is quite advanced. Prognosis not good - they give me 2 yrs w/ less than 20% making it 5 yrs. Though, they say that some have lived longer.

We are now back in the states and bought a home in Manassas and I'm deep into chemo/radiation world again. It is just so much scarier this time -- I had that elusive Hope before and that was what I held onto. Last time I was just so proud of my faith and this time, well, I'm weak.

To shorten it a bit, this has obviously caused us to lose Anastasia. I can't go into it - it is still too painful but I wanted to let you know what is happening. They (our agency) are going to be letting her know soon - as soon as we finish all the last paperwork.

It is so ironic - we should have our courtdate anyday now - how can it be?
Max is having a really hard time with this and has been acting up terribly.
Hold your loved ones close and don't miss a day.